Wednesday, September 30, 2009

S.A.S Awareness Day

Have you ever done something for your child, with the best of intentions, just to wind up regretting your choice later on? If you have, you maybe suffering from S.A.S (Stupid @$$hole Syndrome).

I never realized that becoming a parent and being a stupid @$$hole were mutually exclusive. It wasn't until my most recent act of stupid @$$holeness that I made the connection. You see, as a mom there are certain things I do to make my child quiet, happy and/or entertained. While doing these things, I sometimes neglect to see how they will affect me in the long run. That's when S.A.S kicks in and takes over. It is a personality disorder that affects millions. One minute your a high functioning parent, the next you are a Stupid @$$hole. When my S.A.S flares up, I am no longer able to fix the problem at hand. Though I may attempt to, the outcome will only be a bigger problem and never a happy solution.

I would like to share my top four S.A.S moments. While you're reading, you may notice that there are different variations of the syndrome. It's a sliding scale disease and therefore changes based on the situation. Though I only list four types, there are many more that you may experience throughout your parenting career. At this time there is no cure for S.A.S, but it is manageable. Let's work together to raise awareness. The next Stupid @$$hole we save may be you....

1} The DVD incident.
My child loves watching videos and I love that he does. It's a sure way to indulge in some "me" time without having to pay someone to keep an eye on him. The problem with all the video watching is that we burn through DVD players at an alarming rate. Not because he's sitting watching videos all day, but because after he's done, it's much easier to leave the DVD spinning than to turn it off and have to go through all the preview B.S the next time he wants to watch. To a normal person, waiting for a movie to load is not a big deal. To someone suffering from S.A.S, it's agony. Recently my only surviving DVD player joined the mechanical spirit in the sky. It was late in the evening, and my kid was jonesing for some "Nemo". I had to do something fast because his whining was pushing me over the edge. I remembered suddenly that the portable DVD player he uses in the car had an adapter to make it play on the big TV. I ran to the car and retrieved it. When I got back inside I realized I would need to hook it to an AC adapter to make it play. Unfortunately, I missed placed the one that it came with, so I opted to use one I had lying around. It was at this point that the most prevalent type of S.A.S kicked in. I was no longer mommy; I was a Stupid @$$hole. I attached the cables from the TV to the DVD player and then plugged in the AC adapter. About three seconds later, I noticed that there was no picture on the screen and at the same time there was a strange electrical smell emanating from the Portable device. On closer inspection, I could see small burst of smoke exiting the exhaust holes on the DVD player. In my attempt to give my kid a fix, I murdered yet another innocent machine. Now I was screwed double time. Not only was there going to be no "Nemo" tonight, there was also going to be no video distraction in the car from now until next pay check. I thought about trying to warranty my now fried portable DVD player, but wouldn't you know it, there is no Stupid @$$hole clause in the paperwork...

2} Shoelaces
Normally, I try not to buy shoes for my kid that involves laces. My reasoning for this is that he is not old enough to tie them himself, they are always hard to get on fat toddler feet and I'm lazy. It's not worth the trouble when Velcro shoes (a lazy persons dream) are just as easily obtained. When my little monster started nursery school, I decided to give him a fighting chance at popularity, so I purchased some trendy running shoes for him to sport. The running shoes, while very cool, had one down fall; they were lace up. To ensure his safety, I double knotted the laces. My knots where so perfect and sturdy, they would have given any boy scout a run for his money. Looking fly, he headed off to school and had a great day without any shoe related incidents. After school was a different story of course. The second my kid got in the car he wanted his trend setters removed. I tried hard to undo the massive knots I had tied, but they wouldn't budge. I ripped them from his feet, still tied, and worked on undoing the knots after my kid was down for a nap. The second the unknotting process began, S.A.S kicked in. I was now a Determined Stupid @$$hole. When picking at the laces with my fingers got me nowhere, I used my teeth to tug at them. When that didn't help I grabbed a fork and started prying at the knots. When I slipped with the fork and stabbed myself for the third time, I chucked the shoes at the wall, cursed loudly and stumbled off to bandage my puncture wounds. After a quick smoke to calm my frustration, I returned to my project. With no other options left, I took a pair of scissors and cut the knots free. When my kid awoke from his nap we made a run to Walmart and purchased a new pair of shoes with Velcro straps. I find that S.A.S is best controlled if you try to cut out the things that trigger it.

3} Store Pacification
I am positive that I am not the only parent that allows my child to play with an unpurchased toy while walking through a store. I find it keeps the whining and tantrums to a minimum, allowing me to shop or browse peacefully. Not too long ago, my monster and I were on an outing to find a reasonably priced birthday gift for a friend. My kid was in a stroller and unhappy about being restrained. When we entered the store, he quickly spotted a children's book lying in the first aisle. To keep him quiet and my expedition peaceful, I gave him the book and continued on my mission to find a gift. After 15 minutes of wondering around clueless, I decided against a gift and settled on writing a check instead. We exited the store and made the long, hot journey out to our crummy parking space. I unlocked the car and started the engine before reaching to put my kid in the car. When I finally glanced down to remove him from the stroller, the third form of S.A.S came over me. In his little hands was the book he was looking at in the store; the book that we never paid for. It was so hot and such a long walk back to the store. I just didn't have the energy to walk all the way back and face the humiliation. Tanks to my S.A.S, I was now a Thieving Stupid @$$hole. To this day, I still feel guilty for what I allowed my two-year-old to do. DAMN YOU, S.A.S!!

4} Too much Ha, Ha! Pretty soon, Boohoo.
Having an energetic, young son, leaves me to constantly search for fun new activities. He loves to tumble and wrestle. And to be honest, it fun for me too. One day my little monster and I were wrestling on the couch. After a while, I got thirsty. To keep the excitement going, I snatched him up and carried him over my shoulder into the kitchen with me. I took a quick moment to rehydrate, then ran him back to the living room. He was laughing and kicking his legs. We were having a blast. But then the worst form of S.A.S kicked in. The moment I decided tossing him on the couch was a good idea, I became Child Endangering Stupid @$$hole. It took only a second for me to realize what was happening but it was too late. I had already tossed him. I cringed as I watched him bounce up and whack his eye on the back of the couch. Because we were goofing off he only cried for a second. I however, cried for a few days. He sported a black eye for a week and I felt horrible every time I looked at him. That day, I vowed to never allow my S.A.S to hurt anyone, other than myself, ever again. I fight hard every day to stick to that promise. I hope by sharing my stories, I can prevent you from allowing S.A.S hurt someone you love.

**Do you or someone you love suffer from S.A.S? Feel free to share your story with the Mouthy Mommy. The best stories will be posted on next week. You may remain anonymous if you wish.. Send your entry to Mouthymavens (at) Thanks in advance!

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Today is Wednesday and "You Are Worthless," But Let Me Tell You Why...

Hello all! I'm so glad you chose to join me again for "You Are Worthless" Wednesday. Today's segment is dedicated to readers who are on Facebook.

I would like to start by asking; where exactly do you think these blogs come from? Do you think the blog fairy drops a new gem on my pillow twice a week? Or do you think there is a magical bunny that leaves me colorful plastic eggs with shiny new blogs inside? The answer is no, on both accounts. And if you did believe this to be true not only are you worthless, but you are bat crazy loco too (thanks for the phrase ). The truth is that I personally brainstorm and type these masterpieces myself, all while neglecting housework and my family. I do this all for free and never ask anything from you in return. That is until now. In the last week the Mouthy Mommy has scored herself a pimp called the Mouthy Mavens. (They are the reason my blog page got such an amazing face lift...You're welcome.) In return for the Mouthy Mommy's blogs they are asking that people become a fan of the Mouthy Mavens on Facebook. The Facebook page will allow you to access easily and allow you to gain access to me on twitter as well. It isn't hard; all you have to do is sign into your Facebook account. Type Mouthy Mavens in the search box. Hit enter. Then click "Become a Fan" next to the Mouthy Mavens icon. Or you can click on the link that sits at the top left of The Mouthy Mommy's blog page. Sounds easy right? Then why is it that you are still not a fan? Is it because you are worthless? Or is it because you're incompetent? Either way, take a few minutes while you're stalking your exes and old high school friends on Facebook to sign up. Or shoot me an e-mail and I will send you a personalized tutorial complete with pictures, detailed directions and a sketched outline of my middle finger.

I know I cannot force you to do anything, after all I am not your mother. And I really hope you thank God for that too, because if I were your mother, you can bet there would be a few new additions to the foster care system this week.

Well, I promised myself I would keep Wednesday's short so that I could focus on other things, but of course my readers screwed that up. This is why I wish I was famous. Famous people don't have to belittle or threaten others to gain fans...I can guarantee Oprah doesn't have this problem. (*Sigh*)This just proves, yet again, that I am as worthless as you are....Here's your quotes for the day. Enjoy them and try not to be such a huge disappointment in the future.

"Your parents didn't think about what they were doing for a second. They just reproduced like dumb apes, and here you are---part of the problem."
-Dr. Walter T. Pratt

"The law of averages would suggest that at some point in your life, someone has referred to you as "that idiot."-Dr. Walter T. Pratt

***On a manic note, thank you to everyone who has already become a fan. I can't tell you how much your support is appreciated!

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Introducing "You Are Worthless" Wednesday

If you do not have a sense of humor, please do not read Wednesday blogs. They are intended as a joke and nothing more. In other words, please do not read this and then credit me in a suicide note. I have no money for your angry family members to gain in a law suit and I am positive I would never survive in a penitentiary setting. However, If you like to laugh at dark humor, read on my worthless friend!

"You Are Worthless" Wednesday is dedicated to those who each day, get one step closer to jumping off the deep end. Does it ever bother you that when you're feeling depressed and lonely, people reach out with sugar-coated nuggets of useless wisdom? Do you ever think that maybe being optimistic is for chumps? As someone who is one meltdown away from the cuckoo's nest, I'd like to take the opportunity to show you why your misery is warranted and justified.

I recently ran across a book by Dr.Oswald T. Pratt and Dr. Scott Dikkers. They have collaborated on a book series called "Just Give Up". Dr. Pratt is a former psychiatrist who has had it with his patients whining and is ready to cut the B.S. and tell them like it is. Dr. Dikkers is from "The Onion." One of the books in the series, titled "You Are Worthless," is the inspiration for my new Wednesday blog segments.

But why am I doing this? Why am I quoting someone else's work instead of coming up with my own originals? Well, there are two reasons. I'll start with the most important. I am currently working on a book, that now, because of all my blogging (whose sole purpose was and is to gain interest for the book) has gone from my baby to my neglected, red-headed stepchild. Considering that the book is my ticket out of the depths of poverty (and this blog is completely free to the public), I think it's time to give it more attention.

The second reason is that I am just as worthless as you are and I hope that realization will inspire some dialogue between us. This blog has been very one sided. Maybe you have a quote or a thought to share. Think of all the ways hearing someone else's misery helps you feel better about your own current, pathetic situations. You can share your worthlessness anonymously (by clicking on the "Click to comment" link at the bottom of this blog) and it is a good way for you to give back and help someone other than yourself for a change. People helping people...It's a win-win...

I want you to know that on occasion some of the "You Are Worthless" Wednesday quotes will be originals from the Mouthy Mommy. After all, I may have a few extra minutes to kill while I'm trying to neglect house work, bill paying, or my family.I'm not sure... But in the mean time, the quotes will come from the book, mentioned above, with limited commentary from me. Know that this is only temporary. It's just a way to devote the time needed to get my book done, without the pressure of blogging two originals a week. So, that in mind here is your first worthless quote.. Enjoy it or don't, who cares!

Today's quote is about friendship...

"Let's sit down and actually count how many genuine, true friends you have. It's not that many is it? Actually, you probably don't have a single friend. Oh, except Jesus. He's your friend. Why don't you call him and see if he wants to hang out?"

Wow, this is a good one because it's able to crush your spirit and your faith all in one shot...

***Because I tend to be very self-absorbed, I like hearing feedback; good or bad. ( but especially the positive stuff. It strokes my ego and gives me a reason to pull my sorry ass out of bed every day!) So feel free to let me know if you like this or if I need to go in a new direction.

Hope you come back next week... Though, if you don't, I completely understand.

Senior Harmony

I am fortunate enough to have a great relationship with my grandmother. We share secrets and talk about everything and anything. In the last few years since her husband died she has been on the hunt for a companion. I say companion and not mate because at her age mating is no longer in the cards. Or at least I hope not... Anyway, she has done her best to find a man and has had no luck. The men she meets are either too old, too pushy, sickly, or worst of all dead before their first date. Recently, Grandma has started posting on online dating service websites. The problem with the services is that she gets little to no responses. After our last conversation I thought about why this might be and I really think it's because these sites are geared towards thirty-somethings. There really should be a place specifically for people in their "golden years". There should also be a compatibility test that matches them based on more realistic dimensions. Because lets face it, someone in their 70's is not look for the same things that someone in their 30's is.

I promised Grandma that I would think up a way to help so, here is my solution.

My service will be called: "Senior Harmony"

Our slogan:
When you only have 100 years to live, and you're on the back end, why waste time you don't have dating the wrong person!

At Senior Harmony we ask the questions that really matter to the geriatric community. Then we match people based on age, activity level, personality and limitations. Below is a questionnaire, please fill it out so that we may find your match.

"Senior Harmony" Compatibility worksheet


Age________ Age you feel________ Age you look______
Current height__________ Height before Osteoporosis_________
Build: _ Elderly Athletic _ Chemo Thin _ Cardiac Risk _ Other
~What is your bed time?_______ What time do you rise?_______
~Do you have any artificial parts? (ex: Metal head plate, hip replacement) __________
If yes, specify the amount and placement of said parts._____________________________
~Do you drive at night?________If no, specify why.______________________________
~Do you own or operate a motorized scooter?______If yes list frequency of use.______________________________
~Are you: _Retired _Working Retired _Employed Full-Time
~Do you collect any of the following? _ Social Security _V.A Pension __ Retirement Fund __Disability
~Do you retain a bank account?_________ If no, please mark your great depression form of money hording. _Stuffed Under Mattress _ Mason Jar Buried in Yard _Stove _Freezer _Other
~ How many of your children are successful?__________
~ Are any of your successful children ___ Doctors? ____Lawyers?
~ Do you own any cats?________ If no, do you have cat allergies


~How often do you wonder away from home without recollection of who you are and where you came from?__________________
~Do you have trouble remembering what year it is?_______
~Do you experience war flash backs?__________ If yes, list frequency and triggers. ______________________________________________
~ Do you have a problem with today's youth?______ Jew's_______ Minorities______ Animals_________ Alex Trebeck__________
~ Does it bother you when children or animals step foot in your yard?___________
~Do you find comics like Marmaduke and Family Circus amusing?________ If yes, do you clip the best ones out of the paper and mail them to family members or friends?__________
~Do you have moral issues with taking items like, sugar, salt and pepper shakers, and silverware from restaurants you frequent?_________
~Is it a deal breaker if your future Companion feels the opposite?____________
~Do you take food from buffets without the knowledge of the restaurant staff?_________
~Is it a deal breaker if your future companion will or will not?___________
~If your future companion needs help making ends meet are you opposed to getting a part time job as a Walmart greeter or supermarket bagger?_________


~Are you still potty trained?_____If no, specify your bathroom limitations.(ex: diapers, colostomy, mild incontinence, ect.) ___________________________________
~Are you ambulatory?______
~Ambulatory with assistance?______If yes, what kind of assistance is required? __Walker
__ Cane __Scooter __Umbrella Fashioned as a Cane __
~If you currently use a walker, how often do you replace the tennis balls attached to the back legs?(this helps determine your activity level)________
~If you are not ambulatory do you use a standard wheel chair or motorized power chair?_____________
~Please list any medical problems.(if you run out of space use a separate sheet of paper to continue)________________________________________________________
~Are any of your appendages gimp?_____ If yes, which ones?____________________
~How do you travel? ___Community Bus __Personal Vehicle __Family Member __Neighbor
__By Motorized Equipment(ex: scooter or power chair) __Other ___N/A (mark if you are a shut in and never travel)
~Do you drive below the speed limit?______
~Can you read traffic signs?______
~ What activities do you enjoy (mark all that apply) ___Shuffle Board ____Water Aerobics ___Card Games ___Bingo ____Sunning ___Knitting ___Crocheting ___Scrabble ___Gambling at Local Casino's _____Matinees _____other(please specify)________________________
~Can you operate a cell phone?________ A Computer?_____________

**Please mail in this form when you have completed all the questions. Then we at Senior Harmony, will do our best to match you up with someone to make your final years less lonely.

Once we have found matches, Senior Harmony will then set up a speed date with potential suitors. This process eliminates the need to waste the limited amount of time you have on this earth, eating an early bird dinner with someone you have no chemistry with.
**Have a senior that needs a match? Try Senior Harmony free for six months...We guarantee to find you a companion that meets all your expectations before you expire. (Exclusions apply to the terminally ill and people over 90. Contact Senior Harmony for details.)

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Notes From The Teacher

Recently my 2 year-old son started nursery school. He never cried or put up a fight. He always strolls happily into the classroom and greets me at the end of the day with a smile. I wish that I could say the same for his teacher. The first week of school the teacher brought two things to my attention. My kid who normally sits quietly while being read too has now become a little fidgety. Also, he refuses to put toys away when he's finished playing with them in the classroom. The teacher suggested I work with him on these things at home. I smiled at her and told her with all the sincerity I could muster, that I would try, then I got in my car and festered. At home my little guy loves to sit and listen to stories and as for cleaning up, if I start he always tries to pitch in. As far as I'm concerned, if he's having trouble with these things in class, that's where they need to be dealt with. I pay butt load of money for my kid to go to school and I feel that once he's there it is the teacher's responsibility to teach him how to focus in a classroom environment. Strange concept, right? I don't have seven other children running around causing distractions so, how exactly am I supposed to create the environment he's having a problem functioning in? I didn't want to stress out about it so I told myself I would let the teacher deal with it. After all, he's her problem between the hours of 9 and 1 on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

It seems my do-nothing approach worked because my little monster's focus has improved. At least, I assume it did, because I haven't heard another word about it since. Unfortunately there's a new issue that has alarmed the teacher. Something so big that, verbally warning me wasn't enough, the teacher sent a note home too.

When I came to pick up my kid yesterday, he greeted me like he always does, jumping and screeching. It's a lot like when you go to the pound to buy a puppy. He has exactly the same reaction as a death row mutt does when it's released from a cage, only my kid rarely pees on my shoes. The teacher approached me with a concerned smile on her face and I knew there was trouble. She handed Carter off to me and said that he had some "trouble" with sharing. My gut wanted to react. I wanted to say "So!"but before I could speak she continued. When he wanted something one of the other kids had he tried to bite them. Then she asked me to have a talk with him about being kind to his friends. I looked at her a little confused. Did she really just ask me to have a conversation with my 2 year-old about biting his peer's? Maybe when I'm done with that I can have a chat with the dog about using the toilet. Annoyed by her stupid solution I tried to clarify exactly what happened , "So let me get this straight, he never actually got his teeth on anyone?"

She said "NO" apparently they were quick to break up the confrontation when my kid bared his teeth, keeping him from harming anyone. Now I had more questions, though I never spoke them out loud. If my kid was going to bite and you were watching long enough to keep that from happening, why didn't you stop the fight earlier? Maybe it was self defense. Maybe little Timmy was asking for it. I walked away, my head swirling with questions. When I got home and put Carter down for his nap I checked his communication folder. Inside was the usual progress report but it wasn't filled out the normal way. Usually there is a section that explains how he ate and whether or not he had a bowl movement. Today that part was left blank because apparently eating and pooping take a back seat to biting. In the space below there is a comment section, it was filled out, but had more words than I was expecting. Scrolled on the paper was a note that said "Please remind Carter to keep his hands and mouth to his own body." In a moment of mommy madness I envisioned sitting my kid down to explain the problem at hand. He would be squirming and laughing. He might even look me in the eyes once or twice, but understand what I was saying; No way! I fought the urge to write the teacher back. I wanted to send her a note that said as punishment I made him write the words "I will not bite my classmates" 100 times. Then when he finished, I made him write an essay about what he learned. I would end the note with "Consider him reminded." I figured it would be an equally ridiculous response to the teacher's request of lecturing him at the age of two and expecting results. My better judgement took over and I managed to control myself. I did however think of a few more ways to keep his biting under control. Ways that would be more effective than a talk. Ways that would probably have DCF banging down my door, but hey a girl can dream. I've taken the liberty to write a few alternative notes to the teacher. Feel free to vote on your favorite or add one for my consideration. You never know I may snap one day and send it

"Dear Teacher,
Enclosed in Carter's back pack is a roll of duct tape. Feel free to use it as arm restraints or a muzzle. My husband and I feel that our son may not have been listening when we spoke to him. Just in case, we thought the tape would solve any new problems. Sincerely, Carter's mom"

"Dear Teacher,
My husband and I feel that Carter's biting may have been a reaction to something one of the other kids did. Please understand, while we don't condone violence, sometimes it comes down to fight or flight. Unless Carter is capable of sprouting wings, we feel his decision to defend himself was warranted. Maybe you should take the time to remind his classmates about personal space before you lecture me about my kids reaction to his being invaded. Sincerely, Carter's mom"

"Dear Teacher,
Since Carter's problem seems to be keeping his mouth and hands to his own body my husband and I decided to enroll him in kick boxing. We noticed that you did not specifically say anything about using his legs so, we assume that a round house kick would be more acceptable than biting. Sincerely, Carter's mom"

"Dear Teacher,
While "reminding" Carter about being kind to his friends, my dog brought up a good point. Do you think that maybe the student's are reacting to your shortcomings as an educator? Think about it and get back to us. Sincerely, Carter's mom"
(I used the dog to prove a point. The point being that talking to a two-year old is crazy. OK, not quite as crazy as a talking dog but, you see where I was going now.)

Monday, September 14, 2009


After watching the MTV music awards I have a few things to get off my chest. Mainly, I would like to address the biggest asshole the music community has ever had the misfortune of knowing .Usually I try to be funny but this time I'm too annoyed. Thanks in advance for letting me rant.

Dear Kanye,

You are by far the biggest piece of S@#$ that has ever lived. Had I been in Taylor's shoes last night, I would have beat you mercilessly with my Moon Man while shouting my acceptance speech over your screams. You are very lucky that she is young and has a sense of decency. I doubt any of the other runners-up would have allowed you to walk off the stage unscathed.
The fact that producers allow you to attend these shows and fans keep buying your records sickens me. As a mother I have to wonder what went so wrong in your childhood. What caused you to become such an attention whore? Daddy didn't hug you enough? Mom miss too many soccer games?
You have proved, on more than one occasion, that you are a poor looser and a sorry excuse for a human being. It's a shame that God gave talent to such an abomination. I am more thankful than ever, that I have been able to barrow your music from friends for free. It will make deleting all of your songs less painful. It also brings me joy to know that not a penny of my money went to finance that ridiculous, crop-circle haircut you sport! Maybe you should spend less time crashing people's acceptance speeches and more time finding a new barber. Go off yourself!
Sincerely- The Mouthy Mommy

To my readers, if after this you are still a Kanye fan, maybe you should google some of the other gem's he has unleashed over the years. And I am not just referring to the "George Bush hates black people" speech. He is an impulsive child that needs to be punished. Please stop rewarding him by buying his music and watching his videos!

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Trail Mix

It amazes me how often I slump to new lows since I became a mother. Luckily this time it wasn't disgusting.

Last night I was packing my sons lunch for school when I noticed I had run out of his favorite kid friendly trail mix. A normal person in this situation may make a quick run to the store or pack something different but I am not a normal person. I had waited (and by waited I mean forgot) to start packing his lunch until it was too late to run to the store. I guess I could have sent something different but the school made me sign a contract stating I would only send healthy snacks and I doubted the Twinkies I had in the freezer would have qualified. I sat in the kitchen for a moment staring at my mess of a pantry. I wasn't looking forward to shuffling through old cans of Campbell's soup and open bags of corn chips to find something nutritious. But it was getting late, and I was certain that under the debris there were some yummy treasures hiding. I rolled up my sleeves and began digging. There was a small glimmer of hope when I spied a second box of trail mix hiding. I opened it quickly but found it too was empty. Now I was annoyed. Why would anyone put an empty box away? I left the box out on the counter so that I could bring it to my husband's attention later. I would have to give him yet another lesson in waste receptacles and their use. But now was not the time for a lecture; I was on a mission.

Before I went back to the pantry I looked at the box and studied the simple ingredients. The original store bought mix had the following:

*Small graham crackers

*Tiny pretzel

*Mini cheez-it's


Four ingredients was all I needed to make this work.

I remembered seeing some supplies that would easily fill the slots and suddenly my ability to improvise was sparked. (Improvising is like a superhero talent for me. Superman can fly and I can do thing like make Halloween costumes with only a few scraps of cloth and a roll of duck tape. It's a gift really.... ) I found a small box of raisins that had not yet reached their expiration date. I grabbed a plastic snack bag and dumped the contents of the box in. After the raisins a handful of goldfish cheese crackers was added. They were a perfect substitute for the cheez-it's and my kid, who is obsessed with marine life, would enjoy having "fishies" for lunch. I now had two ingredients down and two to go. All I needed was the sweet cookies and the pretzels. We had a small open bag of pretzel sticks. They seemed fresh but they were a bit large for trail mix. I grabbed two and broke them into little pieces. Now bite size, they entered the bag with the fish and raisins. My final ingredient, the cookies, turned out to be the hardest to substitute. I had some full sized Chips-ahoy but, when I tried to break them they tuned to dust. I could throw the cookies in whole but, it would ruin the theme. I needed something sweet, small and mildly healthy. I thought long and hard as I stood there eating my mass of cookie crumbs straight off the kitchen table. My eyes were still fixed on the open pantry as I ate. Then suddenly, a brilliant red box caught my eye. "Fruit Loops", not only were they small and sweet, they also had the name fruit in their title which in my mind signified nutritional value. It was the perfect solution. I grabbed two small handfuls, tossed them into the bag and zipped it shut. I was pleased to have finally finished my recipe but that's not why I found myself smiling. Though I was happy to have made do with what was in the pantry I couldn't help but laugh out loud at the crude contents of the bag. The mangled pretzels, the colorful "O"s that stood out against the orange fish swimming in a sea of raisins. What would the teacher think? I wasn't sure, but I knew what I would have thought,"Holy crap kid, is your mother on dope? Poor kid..." With a sigh, I shoved the food into his lunch box. I hid the trail mix under his cheese sandwich and inserted a note to Carter but obviously it was meant for the teacher. It read...
" Dear Carter,
I know you like variety so I threw some of your favorite things together. We ran out of the usually trail mix you like, but Mommy will buy more today while you're in school. Love you!"

I hoped the note would clear up any misunderstandings about my recreational drug use.

When he returned from school I checked his lunch box. The baggy was still inside filled with all the goodies. It looked as though he hadn't touched it. The note was also still there but I noticed it had something written on the other side. In response to my love note the teacher replied: "Mommy, just pack fruit next time. I like that best!"

I guess all superhero's have their Kryptonite. And it seems creating healthy snacks is mine. Next time I'll save myself the trouble and just pack fruit :)

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Warning : Twilight Nerd Blogging

In an attemp to fill the gaping void my mother left inside me when she died, I've taken up many obsessions. At first, I researched every thing possible about heart attacks and death. Much to my dismay, these subjects didn't fix me. Instead they created a crippeling form of anixety that manafested itself in nightmares and bizare physical symptoms; like shortness of breath and heart palpitations. Convinced now that I was dieing just like my mother, I decided to talk to someone. After a few sessions with a Grief Counsler, I was determined to find something less macabre to fill the empty space. My counsler had suggested that I start reading fiction in a venture to escape reality and explore a less intense avenue. In my true fassion I put up a fight. I always despised fiction! I have a limited imagination that doesn't allow me to buy into urealistic stories chocked full of love bull-shit and mythical monsters. Or so I thought.

I decided to take a baby step and watch the "Twilight" movie. I had heard a lot of talk about it and it was on demand so it required no effort on my part. I figured If I could endure it I would try to read the books and make use of the advice my counsler had been paid to give me. When the movie was over it became very clear that she had guided me onto the right path. I was hooked and ready for more. I purchased the entire saga from the book store and obsessively read all four books in three days. It was great to spend some time in an alternate world where I was not the protagonist. The problem was that once I was finished, I longed desperately to escape again. I've re-read the books quite a few times and keep a copy of the film in my DVD player.

I know I should be embarrassed that at my age I've fallen so deeply into a tween craze, but I'm owning it. I wear my "Twilight" Team Edward shirt in public and I Google the latest movie news when I should be working on my book. My teenage sister thinks I'm nuts. She feels that I should find something more age appropriate. But how is it any different than being a "Star Wars" geek and sporting an R2-D2 T-shirt?(That's right, "Star Wars" fans, you look as ridiculous as I do)

The point of this blog is not to just humiliate myself, though I'm sure I've done a great job of that. I wanted to show a funny spoof that I found on You Tube while searching for bootlegged clips of the movie's sequel. I thought everyone would get a kick out of it regardless of if you're a Twilighter or not. Hope you laugh as hard as I did and please try not to judge me. I'm just trying to be happy again and if that means day dreaming about what I would do to a 17 year old Vampire; so be it!

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Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Out Of Character

Because I'm feeling exceptionally lovey dovey today and completely out of my mouthy element, it's going to be video day at the blog spot. I haved tried hard to get back my focus but I can't seem to find my way around this manic episode. So, I did a little research and found some dance routines set to love ballads. I used these because they take up space and stick to the painfully obnoxious theme swimming in my head. Hopefully these feeling will pass soon and allow me to return to the dark side. But until then indulge me and watch...They are actually really good...I promise!

Unless you wear macrame jean shorts and have a "wife" named Chuck, this may not be for you. But, you could always try watching it anyways. For some of you it just may be the beacon of light you needed to find your way out of the closet. (This goes out to a very special Shelmet reader)
**Oh! Looks like I'm feeling better already.