Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Senior Harmony

I am fortunate enough to have a great relationship with my grandmother. We share secrets and talk about everything and anything. In the last few years since her husband died she has been on the hunt for a companion. I say companion and not mate because at her age mating is no longer in the cards. Or at least I hope not... Anyway, she has done her best to find a man and has had no luck. The men she meets are either too old, too pushy, sickly, or worst of all dead before their first date. Recently, Grandma has started posting on online dating service websites. The problem with the services is that she gets little to no responses. After our last conversation I thought about why this might be and I really think it's because these sites are geared towards thirty-somethings. There really should be a place specifically for people in their "golden years". There should also be a compatibility test that matches them based on more realistic dimensions. Because lets face it, someone in their 70's is not look for the same things that someone in their 30's is.

I promised Grandma that I would think up a way to help so, here is my solution.

My service will be called: "Senior Harmony"

Our slogan:
When you only have 100 years to live, and you're on the back end, why waste time you don't have dating the wrong person!

At Senior Harmony we ask the questions that really matter to the geriatric community. Then we match people based on age, activity level, personality and limitations. Below is a questionnaire, please fill it out so that we may find your match.

"Senior Harmony" Compatibility worksheet


Age________ Age you feel________ Age you look______
Current height__________ Height before Osteoporosis_________
Build: _ Elderly Athletic _ Chemo Thin _ Cardiac Risk _ Other
~What is your bed time?_______ What time do you rise?_______
~Do you have any artificial parts? (ex: Metal head plate, hip replacement) __________
If yes, specify the amount and placement of said parts._____________________________
~Do you drive at night?________If no, specify why.______________________________
~Do you own or operate a motorized scooter?______If yes list frequency of use.______________________________
~Are you: _Retired _Working Retired _Employed Full-Time
~Do you collect any of the following? _ Social Security _V.A Pension __ Retirement Fund __Disability
~Do you retain a bank account?_________ If no, please mark your great depression form of money hording. _Stuffed Under Mattress _ Mason Jar Buried in Yard _Stove _Freezer _Other
~ How many of your children are successful?__________
~ Are any of your successful children ___ Doctors? ____Lawyers?
~ Do you own any cats?________ If no, do you have cat allergies


~How often do you wonder away from home without recollection of who you are and where you came from?__________________
~Do you have trouble remembering what year it is?_______
~Do you experience war flash backs?__________ If yes, list frequency and triggers. ______________________________________________
~ Do you have a problem with today's youth?______ Jew's_______ Minorities______ Animals_________ Alex Trebeck__________
~ Does it bother you when children or animals step foot in your yard?___________
~Do you find comics like Marmaduke and Family Circus amusing?________ If yes, do you clip the best ones out of the paper and mail them to family members or friends?__________
~Do you have moral issues with taking items like, sugar, salt and pepper shakers, and silverware from restaurants you frequent?_________
~Is it a deal breaker if your future Companion feels the opposite?____________
~Do you take food from buffets without the knowledge of the restaurant staff?_________
~Is it a deal breaker if your future companion will or will not?___________
~If your future companion needs help making ends meet are you opposed to getting a part time job as a Walmart greeter or supermarket bagger?_________


~Are you still potty trained?_____If no, specify your bathroom limitations.(ex: diapers, colostomy, mild incontinence, ect.) ___________________________________
~Are you ambulatory?______
~Ambulatory with assistance?______If yes, what kind of assistance is required? __Walker
__ Cane __Scooter __Umbrella Fashioned as a Cane __
~If you currently use a walker, how often do you replace the tennis balls attached to the back legs?(this helps determine your activity level)________
~If you are not ambulatory do you use a standard wheel chair or motorized power chair?_____________
~Please list any medical problems.(if you run out of space use a separate sheet of paper to continue)________________________________________________________
~Are any of your appendages gimp?_____ If yes, which ones?____________________
~How do you travel? ___Community Bus __Personal Vehicle __Family Member __Neighbor
__By Motorized Equipment(ex: scooter or power chair) __Other ___N/A (mark if you are a shut in and never travel)
~Do you drive below the speed limit?______
~Can you read traffic signs?______
~ What activities do you enjoy (mark all that apply) ___Shuffle Board ____Water Aerobics ___Card Games ___Bingo ____Sunning ___Knitting ___Crocheting ___Scrabble ___Gambling at Local Casino's _____Matinees _____other(please specify)________________________
~Can you operate a cell phone?________ A Computer?_____________

**Please mail in this form when you have completed all the questions. Then we at Senior Harmony, will do our best to match you up with someone to make your final years less lonely.

Once we have found matches, Senior Harmony will then set up a speed date with potential suitors. This process eliminates the need to waste the limited amount of time you have on this earth, eating an early bird dinner with someone you have no chemistry with.
**Have a senior that needs a match? Try Senior Harmony free for six months...We guarantee to find you a companion that meets all your expectations before you expire. (Exclusions apply to the terminally ill and people over 90. Contact Senior Harmony for details.)

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