Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Introducing Housewife Helen

I recently saw a commercial announcing that Barbie has made yet another career move. Aside from being a Model, Teacher, Police Woman, Photographer, Fashion Designer, Military Officer, Paleontologist, Airline Attendant, Pilot, Ballerina, Chef, Hairdresser, Veterinarian, Astronaut, and my favorite McDonald's Cashier, she has now decided in her free time to grab a medical degree and take up Pediatrics.

While I appreciate Mattel's attempt to cover all the bases it seems to me that they are leaving out the most important job of all; the homemaker. While this may not be your first career choice for little Sally, I think it's a more realistic job avenue than becoming a starved female Astronaut with fake breasts. Think about it, Barbie is constantly receiving flack for causing young girls to develop body dysmorphic disorder and poor self esteem. It almost seems irresponsible not to add a more modest member to the Malibu clan.

I thought about how to put my plan in action and only came up with two solid options. The first was to write a letter to Mattel. the second was to create.

The problem with the first and easiest solution was that I knew Mattel would shit-can my idea immediately. The feminists have been banging on that door for years, and all they got in return was a belly button placement on the doll. Plus, I'm sure that after all Barb's been through there is just no way Mattel would have her stuck in the Malibu dream house rocking babies and ironing Ken's work shirts. If I wanted results, this housewife would have to take matters into her own hands and that's exactly what I did.

I decided to get started right away and ran to my local toy store to pick up a few supplies. It turns out that Barbie is more than just an over-achieving career woman. That showy bitch is a thief too. I know I shouldn't take it out on Barbie when her pimp Mattel is setting the prices, but $40 for three items is absurd!

After shelling out the 40 bucks (eye roll), I came home and got to work creating my masterpiece. I must have been high off of nail polish remover fumes because I lost track of time and before I knew it, my husband arrived home from work. There was no hiding the fact that he was concerned to see his almost 30-year-old wife playing with dolls, but I assured him that I was a professional and not a lunatic. I told him that when I was 15 I took a doll making class at a local art center. However, I did intentionally omit the fact that I dropped out after three weeks without ever completing one project. That part would have just encouraged his lunatic theory.

When my doll was finished I gave her a bio and put together a small marketing plan. I'm very proud to show her off to the public but remember this is just the prototype. I plan on spending twice as much time developing the real thing. I just have to find a day when I have 20 minutes to kill first ... Hope you like her!

Introducing Housewife Helen
New from Momtel

While Barbie and her friends were out making a name for themselves, Housewife Helen decided to quit college and settle down with Business Bob. They wasted no time starting a family, and now Helen works hard to keep the dream house in perfect order while keeping a watchful eye on her young child. Business Bob works for a debt collection agency downtown and expects dinner on the table at 5:30 p.m. every day. Housewife Helen never disappoints him. Though her day can be flustering, Helen maintains a constant smile courtesy of the antidepressants she was prescribed when her child was born.

Design points
Unlike her her blond counterparts. Housewife Helen has only two clothing options; Velour track suit or robe-covered pajamas. Because she was created in a real mother's image, there was no need for face make-up. Instead we (by we, I mean I keep a little mouse in my pocket) at Momtel simulated sleep deprivation by adding dark under eye circles and a complacent brow line. Keeping her appearance life-like and motherly was important so we also made sure to style her hair into a low maintenance, short mom 'do that requires little to no brushing.

Housewife Helen comes with all you see here:

Kids will have endless hours of fun helping her sweep, do laundry and feed her tiny baby. But the excitement doesn't stop there. Push the button on Housewife Helen's back to hear her really speak.

Her six catch phrases are sure to give your child a misguided sense of reality that only a small plastic replica of a woman can.

* "Being a housewife is so much more rewarding than a nine-to-five job."

* "House work is fun, I love cleaning up messes I didn't make."

* "Let's go to TJ Max, I have a coupon."

* "It's nap time baby. Oprah's on."

* "Life is easier when your husband makes all the decisions."

* "Laundry is woman's work."

Coming soon from Momtel is Business Bob. He completes the family and has lots of fun accessories too; like a removable wedding ring and a flask that really works. His play set includes Helen's dream house, equipped with a large eat-in kitchen, expansive laundry room and one nursery.

**Additional nursery play packs and pink mini-van sold separately.

Instead of Barbie's "Be who you want to be" slogan I thought we could go with something like "Be married and let your husband be whatever pays the bills." It seems a bit long though.

We at Momtel strive to do just enough to look busy but we would love your feedback anyway. Please feel free to comment and tell us what you think.

*I find her to be a great role model. Unlike Barbie, Helen doesn't make me want to starve myself or go out and buy expensive clothes my parents can't afford. Personally, if I would have had the opportunity to play with Housewife Helen as a kid I think I might have tried harder to finish college and waited longer to have kids.-->Little mouse in Jen's pocket

-- Thanks little mouse. I value your opinion!

Friday, August 21, 2009

School Days

School days...School days...

That's right my son, Carter, started his first day of nursery school today. The school is great! It's run by a small temple not far from where I live, and the teachers are wonderful. Carter finally has the chance to socialize with children his own age and I get some much needed me time. Life could not be better.

By now you have all seen that it's not in my nature to harp on the sunny side of things, and I am aware this first part comes off seeming exceptional cheery.

I figure with this being such a momentous occasion for our family I would give this blog the sandwich effect. Start with the good, put some crazy in the middle and end on a high note. So I hope you all are hungry because here comes a mouth full!

I woke up this morning bright and early. I just couldn't wait to get my little guy up and at-em. I dressed him in his new school clothes and lovingly packed his kosher meat-free lunch. Happy to finally get some freedom and totally oblivious to the fact that there is a mommy drop-off dress code, I left the house in my comfy bedtime attire. On this day it consisted of a pair of faded, black, stretchy yoga pants and a "Twilight" team Edward T-shirt. (What? I'm only 26. I can pull it off.)

When we got to school, the parking lot was more crowded than I expected. I noticed that there was a large group of mothers congregating around the temple's entrance with their children waiting for the gates to open. It was then that I noticed my fashion faux pa. The woman were all dressed in business clothes and stilettos. I felt mildly self-conscious but with my freedom minutes away, I put that aside and snatched Carter out of the car and walked casually to where the other moms were standing. It was painfully clear upon my arrival that though I was 26, I could not pull off this look. The mothers stared at me with grimacing faces.

You would have thought by the way they looked at me that I showed up to the Jewish nursery school wearing a giant crucifix around my neck and carrying a large sign that read, "WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?" Being the Mouthy Mommy that I am, I wanted to look them all in the eyes a scream, "WHAT?! JEALOUS?"

But Carter and I are both lacking in the friend department, and I wasn't about to give the women another reason to exclude us from future play dates. Being fashionably challenged is one thing but being a crazy bitch is another. Lucky for Carter and my filter-less mind, we made it to class without incident.

When we entered the class room I was shocked at how quickly Carter adjusted. There were no tears or tantrums. It really made me smile to see how happy he was. I couldn't believe I expected there to be some sort of scene. I thought he would be crying and begging for his mommy but it never happened. The little traitor played peacefully with his classmates without giving me so much as a second look.

I took the opportunity to sneak out. I now could spend my time away from him guilt-free and Carter would finally have the chance to make friends.

I was told by many other moms that I would leave the school crying, but instead I danced my way to the car; which was easy for me considering my attire.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Leash Laws

Though leashing your child in public is a growing trend these days, it was difficult for me to make the decision to try it. Growing up my mother was never shy about expressing her distaste for moms that pranced their children around in public like a two-legged Basset Hound. Her mentality was that if you instill the right amount of fear into a child they would fall in line like baby ducks and stick closely by their parents side. In our home she took the baby duck theory literally. We were forced, every time we entered a public place, to line up behind her, hands tightly locked behind our backs, and follow quietly.

My father, who was not the primary caregiver, found that this worked well in the presence of my mother, but left alone with him, he took his own precautions to keep us safe. One time during a father-daughter fishing trip, Dad decided not to take any chances and tightly secured a rope around my five-year-old waist while anchoring the loose end to the car door. Having a rambunctious little girl standing quietly on the bank beside him he needed insurance that there would be no water-induced incidents. I'm sure that he never filled my mother in on this, and it was probably for the better.

Because of my upbringing I too harbored a strong aversion to leashing children. It seemed absurd and embarrassing. That was until I had a rambunctious son of my own. As Carter grew and became more curious, he was less inclined to sit quietly in a stroller while I skipped around enjoying my freedom. When the struggle to keep him contained became to much (and my mother was dead and unable to comment), I broke down and bought a child harness.

I was able to purchase a fun, puppy dog, back pack leash at my local Target retailer for $11.99. The first time we used it I knew it was money well spent. Carter got his freedom, and I was able to shop without the fear of losing him in a crowd.

I noticed there were few instinctual things I wanted to do while I was out "walking" my son. I'm sure the feelings came from many years of owning a dog. I knew these urges were completely unacceptable and decided to make a few laws to help govern my behavior while we were out in public. If your new to leashing your child I hope these will help you too.

The Leash Laws
#1) Never, and by never I mean in front of onlookers, tug on the lead to make the child fall in line. At times it may be tempting when Jr's taking off on his own route, but just remember it looks a lot worse from an outsider's point of view. If you didn't have an obnoxious kid what would you think?

#2) It is not OK to tie your child to a park bench, car door, water fountain, lamp post, or chair leg. While it may allow you a short break from Jr, I promise the consequences are not worth it. Five years in prison for child neglect is not worth the five minutes of peace you'll receive.

#3) Do not drag your child unwillingly, legs buckling underneath him, through a department store. It may seem like a time saver (and it probably is) but nothing will make store clerks and patrons dial D.C.F faster.

#4) Don't be cheap! Buy a real child harness. Home-made versions like my father's "safety" rope may be tempting because it will only set you back about 2 bucks, but I promise the barbaric nature of it will call more attention to you than just letting Jr run a muck through JC Penny's. Trust me it's worth the $12.00.

While these laws may help you control your animal instincts while "walking" your little monster, know that by no means, does it reduce the embarrassment you feel with that animal tail leash fashioned tightly around you wrist. People will stare, old ladies will comment, but keep in mind it's whats on the end of the rope that really matters. Your just providing safety.

If you want to check out the harness I purchased clink on this link:

They come in a variety of different animal buddies.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Move Over Mother Goose

With my son starting nursery school in a few weeks, I figured now would be a good time to introduce him to the late and great Mother Goose. Fortunately for me, my mother was a giant pack rat and stored my favorite childhood book of nursery rhymes away until I had a kid of my own to share it with. I pulled the faded black and white checkered book out of storage and began thumbing happily through the tattered pages looking for my old favorites. I'm aware that at my reasonably young age, I should have some of these memorized. But time and child rearing has done a number on my memory, so it's virtually impossible for me to remember anything past what I had for breakfast and sometimes even that's a stretch.

I found a few that I recognized and read them. When I was done, I sat quietly in shock. As a child these rhymes made me laugh and smile, but now as an adult reading them it felt a little disturbing.

When you think back to your childhood, what are the rhymes you remember? I'm sure there are many, but did you ever take the time to dissect them? Well, this Mouthy Mommy did, and here are my Top Five Disturbing Nursery Rhymes, courtesy of Mother Goose. I also have taken the liberty to break them down for you and give it my classic spin, enjoy!

#5> Rock-a-Bye Baby

Rock-a-Bye baby in the tree top
When the wind blows the cradle will rock
When the bow breaks the cradle will fall
And down will come baby, cradle and all

The Facts: This was written by a young Pilgrim woman who watched the Native Americans hoist their babies' cradles into the trees allowing the wind to lull them to sleep.

The Crazy: Was this Pilgrim suffering from some form of postpartum? Or was she simply deranged when she imagined these cradles falling out of the trees taking the babies with them?

More Crazy: Why do we continue to sing this to our tired toddlers? Are we deranged?

#4> Rub-a-Dub-Dub

Three men in a tub
And who do you think they be?
The Butcher, The Baker, and The Candlestick maker
Turn them out, knaves all three .

The Facts: Knave means a very crafty fellow. I'm not an idiot, but I had never seen this word before and thought it may need some defining.

The Crazy: While I am a HUGE advocate for gay rights, I was left wondering when it was ever socially acceptable to tell a child about three men being together in a bathhouse.

#3> Ring Around the Rosy

Ring around the rosy
Pocket full of posies
Ashes, Ashes

We all fall down!

The Facts: Ah, a lovely song about the great bubonic plague. Most of you know the basic history but I'll continue anyway. The "ring around the rosy" describes the sores one would get after contracting the plague.

Pockets full of posies were carried to mask the scent of rotting corpses.

"Ashes, Ashes" = Ashes to ashes

"We all fall down!" In a nut shell, we all drop dead.

Lovely right?

The Crazy: I can still remember spinning around with my school buddies blissfully unaware of the song meaning. Now it just seems creepy!

#2> Three Blind Mice

Three blind mice, three blind mice
See how they run, see how they run
They all ran after the farmer's wife, who cut off their tails with a carving knife
Have you ever seen such a sight in your life,
As three blind mice?

The Facts: This story actually has to do with Queen Mary of England. Better know as "Bloody Mary," she is the farmer's wife in this story and the mice were three men who wouldn't adhere to the Protestant faith. Cutting off there tails actually means chopping off their heads.

The Crazy: Hmm... So we have three physically handicapped mice trying to find their way around and one psycho woman who likes to chop up defenseless, visually impaired animals.

More Crazy: I'm wondering if this was little Ted Bundy's favorite.

#1> The Old Woman in the Shoe

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe
She had so many children she didn't know what to do.
She gave them all broth without any bread.
She whipped them all and sent them to bed.

The Facts: This is dysfunction at it's finest.

The Crazy: This rhyme leaves me to wonder if there were child advocates back when this was written. The woman lived in a shoe, which I'm sure is short for shoebox, a phrase I lovingly used to describe my first apartment. She displayed poor family planning and apparently had no way to get to the WIC office to receive her food checks. Frustrated and unable to control her rage, she takes her aggression out on the children and shuffles them off to bed for some mommy time.

More Crazy: A+ Parenting at it's finest and a great rhyme to prove to your child how good he or she has it. Unless of course, your living in a shoebox, beating and starving your kids. Then it's a good way to prove your life is normal.

Now that I've given these some perspective, I thought it would be fun to give you some new updated alternatives. Move over Mother Goose, Mouthy Mommy's come to rhyme!

Dancin' round with Swine Flu
(Played to the tune of Ring around the Rosy)

Boogies in my nosey
Coughing as I goesy
Ahchoo, Bless you
We're all sick now!

* This teaches children, in a fun way, the importance of staying away from sick people.

Three Handicapable Mice
(Played to the tune of Three Blind Mice)

Three handicapable mice, three handicapable mice
Escorted as they run, Escorted as they run
They all ran into an advocate
Who made sure they received their community bus permits
Now they all can ride to their therapy in it
Three handicapable mice

* Shows kids the importance of community out reach programs for the disabled.

Rock-a-Bye Baby
(Same tune, same name)

Rock-a-bye baby in a safe spot
When mommy is better she'll love you a lot
Daddy will hold you and grandma will stay
Till mommy's postpartum all goes away.

* A sad but true tale of the American mommy.

The Middle-Aged Woman who Lived in a House
(Played to the tune of Old Woman who Lived in a Shoe)

There was a middle-aged woman that lived in a house
She had two kids and a wealthy spouse
Everything the kids ate was organically grown
And only if they were naughty did she use a harsh tone.

* Listen they can't all be gems!

(Same name, same tune)

It's not OK to share your tub
No matter what anyone may say
If someone tries to touch your danger zone
Call 911 on the telephone
The Police will then take them away.

* Teaches children the importance of self-preservation and also how to call for help in an emergency.

I hope you've enjoyed reading these as much as I did writing them. Who knows, maybe some day our children's children will be singing them.


Friday, August 14, 2009

Role Models

While I normally gear my blogs to the mommies out there, today I decided to engage the father fraternity.

I was doing research for a blog that I am writing about disturbing children's stories when I came across the most ridiculous book. I managed to develop a serious case of A.D.D when I became a mother, so I again put my original plans on hold and dove deeper into this new distraction.

While my sports knowledge is limited there are certain aspects of the athletic world I catch up on during the nightly news. There is one player in particular that never fails to disgust me and this is why I took such an interest. Apparently in 2006, an arrogant football star took time out of his showboating, self-indulgent schedule to write a children's book. Deemed the most selfish player in the NFL and by no means a suitable role model for kids, Terrell Owens is now a children's author.

His first book is ironically titled, "Little T Learns to Share." Apparently, "Little T" was unable to carry this lesson into adulthood. Just remember as your shelling out $14.99 on the book; those who can't do...teach. He is set to have a few follow-ups as well. The titles are as follows:

"Little T Learns to Say I'm Sorry"

"Little T Learns What Not to Say"

and my personal favorite

"Little T Learns to Count: One Pill, Two Pill, Red Pill, Blue Pill"

Now while the last one is made up the others are for real. It leaves me to question what's next? Nursery rhymes written by Charles Manson? Or better yet, maybe Micheal Vick should cash in and start a children's series of "Clifford the Big Dead Dog."

I personally have not wasted my time or energy reading any of T.O's masterpieces, but if you have please feel free to mouth off and tell me what you think.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Tiny Terrorist in the Trees...

After writing my last blog, I thought it would be a good idea to give helpful advice on combating temper tantrums. I feel that if your going to complain about how other people do things, you should at least try to come up with a better way. I am not a child psychologist, and the only real child rearing book I've read is about Ferberizing (which has nothing to do with this), so I decided to search the web for some helpful, educated tips.

Unfortunately, I found something I thought was more interesting and gave up. I also figured if you have a child that acts out, especially in public, people have already given you all the unsolicited advice you can handle. You don't need advice from me when the patrons at Walmart are doling it out by the truck load.

I find that in "Mommy Town" misery loves company. So, instead of the tantrum advice, I am going to direct you to a story that shows we are not alone in our mommy battles.
Monkeys have issues with their toddlers tantrums too. (Say that five times fast!)

Check out this great news article for more:

When you have finished reading I would love to hear some feedback on the subject.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Tiny Terrorist

Hello all,

Having a two-year-old, I've gotten used to tantrums but it still amazes me to see how some parents deal with them. I'm no saint. I yell, give time outs and sometimes all together lose my mind, but the one thing I try never to do is reason with someone who can't even wipe their own butt. When I see moms in crowded malls and restaurants having "discussions" with their toddlers, as though they are capable of grasping right and wrong, it makes me laugh. I have almost never seen a kid calm down after one of these talks. (I say almost because with motherhood there is an exception to every rule.)

Here's what I saw at the mall just last week:

Obnoxious Timmy: Smacks mom across the face

Crazy Mom: "Now Timmy you know it hurts mommy's feeling when you hit her."

Obnoxious Timmy: Screams and throws himself on the floor.

Crazy Mom: "Now lets try to calm down and mommy will buy you some ice cream."

The two then march off to the food court to reward the inappropriate behavior.

In my mind I quickly shot back to my childhood and how my mother would have responded to her kids in this situation. I can promise you even at the age of two we would never try to hit my mom and if we did you can be sure it never ended with ice cream.

These new age moms are trying so hard to shape and mold their kids with kind and calm words that they're forgetting that there are consequences for poor choices. They also seem to be forgetting that they are kids. Looking back now I imagine these are the same crazy people that at one time or another threw birthday parties for their dogs. Again, they're dogs, not rational adult people!

I would like to leave with a final thought, much like Jerry Springer would. A dog won't remember his 3rd birthday any more than a one-year-old will remember that hitting "hurts mommy's feelings." And to reward a child for acting out, well, that's like giving a dog that bit you a treat. It doesn't make sense mommies!