Thursday, April 29, 2010

Time Outs For Big People...

Children are the biggest responsibility you'll ever incur. Some of us are blessed by choice and others by circumstance. Whatever the case, take a minute to think about all the ways your sweet responsibility weighs you down and ask yourself "is it really so wrong that animals eat their young?"

I came into this life of motherhood with high hopes. After all I've managed to keep a dog alive for years without problems how difficult could it be to do the same with a child? Apparently the margin is bigger than I bargained for. Since my son was born- life and my little bundle- have continuously thrown curve balls my way and all of them have landed harshly in my suck hole. So what do I do when life as a mother gets me down? Well, of course there is the obvious-booze /antidepressant combo but, I have recently found new things to help get me through my periods of funk without destroying my liver. I would like to share some of my stress relieving activities with you. They are designed specifically for parents but, some of them are easily adjusted for those who were smart enough to use protection...

* The Runaway Game
Some times being a mom and wife sucks so badly that I fantasize about running away. Maybe you've thought of this too at times. I have managed to find a way to turn these intoxicating thoughts into a meditative and time killing opportunity. Here's what you do:
Find a place to sit and blank out for a moment. It can be anywhere and at anytime during your day. Now imagine dropping your kid off with someone you trust, grabbing your necessities and hitting the road. I usually start by loading my things in the car and stopping off to purchase a new cell phone. I don't need my old responsibilities tracking me down on my way to freedom. I then imaginatively hit the road and pick a place that no one would think to look for me. What will my name be in this new no-strings-attached-life? Where will I live? What kind of job will I get? Will I find myself a new man? What does he look like? Is he rich? How will I decorate my new home? Do I become famous in this new life? What do I do to change my looks? Can I afford new boobs? Should I have an accent of some sort? This game can take minutes or hours but it's a fun escape and may help send you to dreamland on a sleepless night. The possibilities are as broad as you imagination.

* Telemarketing Multi Purposing
It is never cool to pick a fight with a stranger face to face when you want to blow off steam. Why run the risk of getting your ass kicked when all you really want to do is unload and move on. I've come up with a solution and it's as easy as talking to those jagaloons that call your house everyday at dinner time. This game is perfect when you've had a long frustrating day caused by Junior or anyone else who's mucking up your life. When the phone rings and you hear the telemarketer on the other line, answer with an obscenity like, "what the fuck!". I like to start by questioning their career choices immediately after but, feel free to start whatever way you’re comfortable. Sometimes you get lucky and find someone who will play the verbal abuse with you like a game of ping pong. If this is the case make sure you get the last word. It would be ridiculous to lose at your own game.

If arguing with an unsuspecting stranger is not your style and you just want an ear to bend, telemarketers are great for that too. Feel free to project your issues with your father onto "Doug" the home alarm specialist, because let's face it, your need to feel safe and protected all stems from your parents divorcing in the third grade. Or maybe Doug has some ideas about potty training or dealing with nosey in-laws. Let him know how overwhelmed you are and do so passionately. Whatever avenue you chose to explore make sure you commit. Your goal is to keep them on the line until you have blown off the necessary amount of steam to continue about your day. And remember, never feel sorry for Doug or the thousands of marketers like him. If it was up to him, he'd knock you down and rifle through your pockets for spare change...

*The Lottery Game
This game is very similar to the runaway game in the sense that you're only limited by your imagination. If you're having a really rough day and have extra time you may even want to pair the two. Here are some things to get you started. What's the jackpot up to this week? Now imagine if you had all the winning numbers. What would you spend it on? How much would you give to greedy family and friends? Who would you tell first about your good fortune? This game is best if you're specific so take some time to really break it down. Just remember to allocate money for taxes. With the IRS not even your fantasies are safe from audit...

* Go Fuck Yourself
Literally...Nothing relieves stress like rubbing one out and that doesn't change when you become a parent. Just make sure that this activity is a private one. Your kids are already going to need therapy with you as their parent, its best not to send them into coo coo town early with your indecency.

* Facebook Stalking
Whether you're having a bad day or simply bored, becoming a Facebook stalker is a magnificent way to kill time. Check up on old flames, classmates and friends with just a click of the mouse. The best part of it all is that it's completely anonymous and the chances of you get caught rifling through this cyber "nightstand drawer" is really unlikely. Trust me, when you find out your old boyfriend has married a fatty and your old high school prom queen is currently undergoing rehab for huffing, you'll be thanking your lucky stars for that booger machine your stuck chasing after day after day.

* Teach Your Kid Something
Ever get tired of playground moms trying to outdo you and your child? How many times do you have to hear what a genius little "Timmy" is before you decided to make his brand of smart seem trivial by teaching your own kid a new trick. Whenever I'm feeling down after a play date I teach my child something way out of his league. For example when he was two and some of his super "smart" buddies started learning sign language- I taught my son how to read a handful of words, nothing crazy- just simple stuff like cat, dog, and elephant. Then the next time those pesky mommies tried to make my kid look stupid by asking baby coco the mini gorilla to sign - I was able to one up them by showing off my own mini-pants-pooping Einstein.

* Broomstick
This is my holy grail of decompression after a long and irritating day. And though most of you are thinking I jump on it and take a joy ride, you could not be more wrong (this time anyway). Broomstick is a game I play when I am so far over the edge that a mental disconnect will no longer cut it. All you need for this stress reliever is to grab a broom and head out back. Then with every ounce of rage you can muster, start beating the sweet bejesus out of a tree, fence or swing set. I like to keep the beating going until the broom breaks in two and falls to my feet with a defeated thud but, like all the other things I mentioned today- make it yours. I also encourage you to scream or imagine someone while you’re beating your way to Zen.

There is one important rule to always remember while engaging in Broomstick relief, ALWAYS use a broom with a wooden or plastic handle. Metal broomsticks will have you more shaken than when you started and you’re already a mental case, there’s no need to be suicidal.

** Have a funny or ridiculous way to relieve stress and frustration? Share it with the Mouthy Mommy in the comment section.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Defeated..? Not Today.

“But there is suffering in life, and there are defeats. No one can avoid them. But it's better to lose some of the battles in the struggles for your dreams than to be defeated without ever knowing what you're fighting for.” -Paulo Coelho

Every week I'm here, pouring my blood, sweat, and tears on to this page. My need to write has become like breathing- a necessity. Everywhere I look I see a story and my compulsion to write it down and share it with you has become an addiction that I'm unable to control. My mind is constantly running- narrating my world as though a novel may one day spring from my head, double spaced and bound. But there is always that little voice inside me screaming that I don't have what it takes and that this is all for nothing. I struggle with it every time I sit down to write.

There are not too many things in life that I can say I'm good at. I have failed miserably as a housewife, I've been fired from more jobs than I can keep track of and when it comes to being a mother, daughter, wife, sister and friend I sometimes fall short. Yet it seems that here- in the world of black and white text- I excel. Maybe it's because it gives me a shield to hide behind. It's a way to physically become invisible while still allowing my thoughts to run free. I love how the Mouthy Mommy alter ego lets me play by my own rules and empty my life-it's disappointments, struggles and joys- here where it can be dusted off and put to use in some small way, even if that way is just a small chuckle from someone at their desk when the work day has dragged on too long. Everyone should be so lucky to have this chance.

Recently the validity of what I'm doing here has been called into question by someone very close to me. If I was just a silly blog writer dumping my daily grind, I wouldn't think twice about someone doubting whether or not this was a career defining hobby. The problem is- that for me- this has become my world and I don't need a fat pay check or a book deal to know that it's worth doing. Some people around me seem to think that this is the way that success is measured and have questioned the time it is taking to attain it. I think that things that come easily are short lived and go unappreciated. Stick figures do not hang in museums of art, yet Da Vinci spent more than four years painting Mona Lisa's smile alone and it is priceless. I'm not comparing myself to this legendary painter, I'm just saying that good things-things that are worth remembering- take time to build and sometimes they may only pay off long after we are gone. For those who cannot understand how I stay driven without instant reward, I have to say that I'm sorry that you have never had the opportunity to love something unconditionally.

I realize that sometimes we fight battles we know we can't win and have dreams that are unattainable and out of our league. Sometimes we lose at things we should have won- easy stuff, like walking without tripping over our own feet. Though we may be defeated at anything, we must always try- knowing that there may be an off chance, that one day our luck may change. I can't say that what I write is Pulitzer Prize worthy or that I'll ever make any money doing it. I am aware that most of this stuff is just a meaningless view of my own meandering experiences. But what if..?

I'm not expecting to be a super star. I just want the opportunity to make something of myself. Something I'm proud of. I think everyone can relate to that on some level. Who wouldn't want the chance to shine at something they are good at? And who's to say there isn't a chance that we may be lucky enough to win the battle with ourselves and those that doubt us? Real failure would be to never try at all. So, support or discouragement-fame or failure- with or without you- I will continue. And now you know...

Thanks for letting me vent! I'll bring the funny next week...I promise :)

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

This Is Why Nobody Likes Me.. :(

While most people enjoy my over- the- top sense of humor, the one person who doesn’t seem to get me is my husband. This at times presents a problem considering he is one of my favorite muses. For the record my husband is not a super funny guy. He’s very private, peaceful, and charming, but not at all a crack up. There are moments when he feels the need to be hilarious and when he does I can always count on him to find a way to bust out this gem; “Once you go Jew, you’re stuck like glue.” I cannot begin to express how much I’ve come to hate his go to line. It’s not funny and I absolutely loathe it. It irks me so much that now every time I hear it, I have a visceral response. I equate it to what someone from PETA would feel if they saw a deer hunter step on a small bag of kittens while eating a bacon cheese burger. Yes, it bothers me that much… But that’s who he is, and when I decided to marry him, I made the conscious decision take him as is-missing funny bone and all.

This brings me to the issue at hand. I live my life searching for the funny in everything. To me nothing is off limits and there is no room for sensitivity. When my mother died and people were feeling sorry for me, I jumped on the opportunity to cash in. I would bate innocent victims into rounds of “Yo momma” just so I could stun them with a response of “My mother’s dead!” I don’t fight fair, I’m a terrible liar-so it’s not even worth the effort for me to try, and there is nothing about my life that I can’t look at from another angle to exploit for a laugh. My husband hates these things about me and since our very first fight he has always insisted that “This is why nobody likes” me.

The longer we’re together the more I find out what “This” entails. Last week it was a small inaccuracy in a blog that set him off. When I explained that sometimes I cut and paste the good parts to make him seem funnier, he didn’t have much to say, but when the conversation had reach its end and all was close to well, I through in a “You’re welcome.” It was obvious that my sarcastic attack on his sense of humor pushed him back over the edge and he stormed out of the room like a 7 year old girl, barking out that “This is exactly why nobody likes” me.

To pay homage to my husband and the many others who according to him “dislike me” I thought I would write down some of the things or the “this”- if you will- that got me on this shit list my husband totes around. (Note: These are all reasons my husband has compiled. I really doubt he did an actual pole… Though I could be wrong, he does seem very sure of himself on this matter.)

Feel free to end each sentence with “This is why nobody likes you.” That’s what my husband does.

• I named my sons new fish “murder face.” I did this because every time I see his face, I want to flush my new responsibility down the toilet..

• I don’t see an issue with not flushing the toilet in the middle of the night

• “Fuck” is my favorite word. I use it as if my life depends on it

• I drink from the carton while standing inside the open refrigerator

• I read the twilight saga over and over and while doing so, I ignore everyone around me

• After I married my husband I gave all of his furniture away to Goodwill and replaced it with my stuff or bought new. I did most of this without asking permission.

• I incessantly Facebook and Twitter from my phone. I status up dated during Passover dinner, at a funeral and once during an argument with my husband about Facebook and Twittering.

• I wear my maternity underwear from three years ago around the house. I do this while the blinds are open and most of the time I'm topless. (sorry neighbors!)

• I once made a comment to my in-laws friends about the “$3 shit wine” my father-in-law served them. It turns out the friends brought the wine. They told me so.

• I don’t hide disappointment well. When I get a bad gift I make “a face” that gives me away instantly. My husband has seen this face more than most people.

• When Perpetual Bridesmaid comes to visit for the weekend I make my husband sleep on the couch so that she and I can share the king sized bed.

• I blog about all my family members. I use family gatherings as a way to stock up on material. No one is safe. Instead of a hug good bye, people ask me not to write about them. My husband thinks I should honor their request. I disagree.

• When I think something is super ugly, I compliment the people that own it because I just have to say something. This goes for jewelry, home furnishings, haircuts and babies. I then spend twenty minutes describing my disgust to my husband once we are out of hearing range.

• I'm a bitch...And I'm ok with that.

• When I’m told that this is why nobody likes me, I smile.. Why? Because I know that this is exactly why everybody reads me…:)

So there you have it, folks. This is why nobody likes me. Can you think of some reasons nobody likes you? If you need help I'm sure my husband could give you a hand..Feel free to submit what makes you dislikable or something my husband missed on his list for me... The comment section is waiting.....