Tuesday, March 30, 2010

I Would Like To File A Complaint!

Since life has decided to bend me over and make me it bitch for the last few days, I have decided to write a formal complaint. The problem here is that life- unlike some of the other assholes I've had the displeasure of working with- lacks a customer service department to send my complaint to. This has now left me with one option- to go fuck myself...With that in mind, I have decided to air my grievances here and hope that someone out there can relate to my pain, laugh at it or supply me with a working firearm.

To Life or whomever it may concern,

There have been some issues in the last few weeks that have begun to concern me. It seems as though you no longer value our relationship and have chosen to produce steaming piles of garbage, instead of the rainbows and sunshine I was once promised. I would like to take a moment to bring some of these piles to your attention. While you look over this list of grievances please take the time to account for all the ways you have failed me. I realize that I too have had a part in some of this however; I can't help but feel like this is partially, if not entirely all your fault.

March 20-
I receive a phone call that an old friend has passed away. Said Friend has died in a similar fashion to my mother and now I am forced to relive the experience again. I end up driving to a funeral hours away and endure 3 long hours with my ex-boyfriend and his goody-two-shoes wife. There is a small upside when I realize that I am not only thinner than she is, but have better judgment when it comes to picking a life partner. That fuzzy feeling is quickly squashed when I excuse myself to use the restroom and urinate on the back of my pants while trying to hover over the Applebees toilet at our post funeral dinner party.

March 23-
Trying to be a good mom I allowed my child to help me cook his dinner. After 3 minutes he picked a fight with me over the proper way to flip a grilled cheese. When I refused to follow his direction, he took to beating me with a butter covered spatula. When I threatened to remove the spatula from his tiny hands and throw it in the garbage, he offered to give me a punch in the face. I then found myself completely disgusted with him and my parenting skills. Was there a reason I chose to procreate instead of buy a cute little puppy?

March 24-
I go to Walmart and receive parenting advice from three strangers that look like they may be straight off the "most wanted" list. I also deal with 2 monstrous temper tantrums from my three year old-that I eventually give in to, sparking yet another round of parenting advice from 1 more toothless stranger. After a final fit at the checkout, I start to contemplate whether or not my husband would be upset if I left our obnoxious kid at a fire station drop off. I feel guilty for my moment of weakness and leave the Walmart compound. To ease my frustration I take a few minutes to bang my head- until I feel a black out approaching- against the steering wheel of my car before driving home.

March 25-
I send my ill husband to the doctor (by himself). He returns with a filled prescription and states that he was over charged for his visit. I asked him if he explained our co-pay and showed his insurance card at the time of check out. He replies that he did, but did not feel like arguing. I ask him if he likes throwing his money away to shiesty doctors and pimple faced Latin receptionist. He shrugs apathetically and offers to give me the number to the office so that I may "duke it out" with doc-in-the-box. After explaining that this really is his problem and not mine, he gives me the finger and plops down to play Playstation 3. I start questioning if I was right about making better choices than other people when it comes to picking a life partner.

March 28-
Turn on car and find engine light shining and loud squealing coming from under the hood. I alert my husband to the issue and he chalks it up to my inability to take the car for routine oil changes. After a 20 minute lecture on car maintenance, I leave and bring the car to a local mechanic. Upon hearing that I was 15,000 over due for the fluid change he proceeds to start the maintenance lecture where my husband left off. During his speech I daydream about taking the car and driving it off a bridge with both him and my husband in the trunk.

March 29-
It's pouring rain and the car must be towed to the dealer. In the middle of changing a shitty diaper the Tow-truck man rings the door bell. I launch myself out of my sons room and sprint down the tiled hallway. I come to a few second later face down on the floor-knee and hand throbbing- wondering why the fucking floor was wet in the hall and how I managed to miss this fact on my entrance earlier. I pull myself together, though my son is still laughing at my lack of equilibrium and answer the door. I do so without further destruction of my body and ego. I escort Tow-truck man to the car and take a mental note of its contents. Inside the center console- $7 in ones,in the cup holder- a handful of silver change and pennies and in the storage compartment under the radio- 2 purple Dr.Grip pens. Tow-truck man leaves with my car and valuables, while I am left to nurse my wounds with a Spiderman icepack and a stir crazy toddler.

March 30-
Grandma kindly offers to drive me to Gunther Mazda to retrieve my car. A 10 minute drive turns into an hour and 15 minute drive when grandma decides to drive 15 miles out of the way to save 10 cents a gallon on gas at "her" Hess station. We stop at every yellow light on our voyage and I contemplate petitioning my local government to revoke senior driving privileges. Thanks to God, Moses and Satan- we arrive at Gunther Mazda before my toddler's college graduation. When I receive my car and drive away, I survey the interior. I find that all the contents I mentally noted on March 29th are missing. I have a moment of clarity that is quickly cut short by my pettiness and love of purple Dr.Grip pens. I call Gunther and inform him of my stolen goods. He seems less concerned about my pens than I feel he should, but kindly offers to keep his "eyes peeled for them." As most managers are, he is more concerned about my missing money. He extends a peace offering and tells me to bring my car in for a free oil change the next time I'm due. I tell him that I'm not interested in being robbed twice and ask him to send me a check for $7.87 and a additional $12 for my stolen pens. He laughs and tells me to come in when I'm ready for an oil change. The phone then goes dead...

I hope that by putting this in black and white you are able to see the error of your ways. No need to apologise, just try not to let it happen again. However, if you insist on making it up to me, a check for $12 or 2 Dr.Grip pens (purple) would be wonderful. I really doubt Gunther was serious when he said he would look for them.

Take care,
Jennie Nadler Milechman

***Have a grievance? Share it with me! Post it here in the comment section or on the Mouthy Mavens Facebook fan page....

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From the Crazy Tree.

About three weeks ago I was feeling like crap and begged my father to fill in for me at MouthyMommy.com. He thinks blogging is ridiculous, but quickly agreed to pitch in. Though he will deny this, it was not out of the goodness of his heart that he decided to fill in for me, my father did it because he would never miss an opportunity to one up me at something he clearly feels he's more qualified to do; in this case writing. With this type of motivation I was positive that he would come through for me. Dad seemed confident and ready to blog, but he refused to agree to a deadline. (That should have been my first red flag.) I tried not to harass him to much about getting something to me in writing, but when Wednesday came and went I started to wonder what his problem was. When a week passed and nothing came I called him to check on his writing process. He assured me that there was no problem. In fact he told me he wrote three in one evening, but one was too harsh, the other was funny but not enough and I forget what the problem with the last one was. Long story short, it was all bullshit...

I ended up having to skip a week of blogging because his idea of a deadline is finishing something before they start shoveling dirt on your casket. So now three weeks have passed and I decided to ask my father-one last time- if he plans on getting a blog to me before I reach menopause. He quickly reminds me that he could write a blog "in his sleep"and adds that he wrote one at work after a customer pissed him off. He also gloats that it only took him 15 minutes to write it. It becomes instantly clear that he used this statement as proof that blogging is too easy and that he's a better writer (we'll see about that). For the record, it normally takes me hours to have something post-worthy.

After 10 minutes of dad laughing uncontrollably at his own description of said blog, I ask if he would like to send it to me to read. While my father searches for the contents in his email, he warns me that the "F" word is used quite a bit and he's concerned that it may be too obscene for me to use on MouthyMommy.com. I remind him of the Mouthy Mavens company handbook and every other blog I've posted in the last 6 months, yet he continues to insist that the language may be a bit much for my readers. I am a little put off by his concern, but then I remember that this is the same man that corrects my potty mouth by telling me that I "sound like a fucking moron." My anxiety fades and I decide that unless he just wrote 4 paragraphs with nothing, but the "F" word, there is no reason that I'm not going to post it. I then sit quietly and wait for him to send the email.

When American Idol starts and my father has no more use for me, he decides to hang up. With great anticipation I jump on my IPhone and check my email. After enjoying his first attempt at blog writing I decide it is post worthy and text him with the news. He quickly replies back to me that he would like to remain anonymous. I remind him that he should have thought of that before I read it and decide to compromise by allowing him to use the pen name "Poppa Poop deck"- (you'll see why in a moment). He is not pleased with my name choice for his alter ego and insists I sign it "Grumpa"- the name my son and nephews use for him (again, you'll see why in a moment).

Now that you've got the back story, it's time to enjoy a rant from the dysfunctional, ring-leader of my family. He kindly decided to go above and beyond for this task ( he should considering how long it took him) and included a picture to accompany his masterpiece... I hope you enjoy reading it as much as my father did! Feel free to comment when you're done. We would both love to hear what you think.

I'm writing this to all the uptight, sensitive, hypocritical, politically correct, tight asses.
I'm sick and tired of sugar coating all my words to please your big, ugly, virgin ears, and yes I already know what you are going to say..."People that curse all the time are lacking intelligence and obviously don't have a command of the English language...You know what I say to that?...Fuck You!

There are times when cursing is completely unavoidable, and in fact down right acceptable. Lets just imagine that you bought a new car. You are driving off the car lot and get down about a block when someone smashes you from behind. Why did he hit you??? Because this asshole was texting his drug dealer while steering his piece of shit, 1975 Pacer with his knees. So what do we have here.... If not an asshole what would you call this guy??? Is there another name for a 75 pacer other than a piece of shit??? And as for the damage to your car, would you say "damn that stinks" or would you go on a tirade ranting that "some asshole driving a piece of shit just fucked up your car." Of course you would pick the tirade!

One more thing, I use the word gay to describe people and situations.

No I don't think its inappropriate. Yeah, yeah, I know how you all want to save the whales, the homeless, the orphans and the gays..You know what I say to that....Bullshit, that is so gay.
By the way did you watch dancing with the stars last night??? That's gay...Ever hold your wife's purse while shes shopping???That's gay... Cry at movies...Gay... My point is that you don't have to take it in the ass or strap one on to be gay or do something gay.. So enough with the sensitive bullshit!

Today I decided to just scratch the surface on these subjects. In part because I'm lazy and mostly because its gay to write a blog. So remember the next time someone calls you gay- and you know it will happen-just tell them to calm the fuck down....And please try not to dwell on the fact that they are probably right in their assumption.


{Dad, I'm sure this means war. I'll be ready!}

**Would you like to be a guest blogger on MouthyMommy.com? Contact me on http://Facebook.com/mouthymavens or email me @ mouthymavens at Gmail.com.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Grocery Awareness

"Those old ladies at the grocery store who hand out free samples of pizza rolls are wiping their asses with those things before they hand them out"- Walter T. Pratt

There are a lot of things that suck about being an adult. It's really a shame too considering how badly I wanted to be one. To be honest, I feel like it was only yesterday that I was throwing my feet over the side of my twin sized bed, slapping on some Covergirl and tossing a messenger bag over my shoulder to get to high school. Looking back now- had I realized what was waiting for me- I might have tried to slow down and absorb more of my carefree childhood. But what does this have to do with old ladies using pizza rolls as toilet paper? Nothing really, but it's my blog and sometimes I like to be a little self indulgent when getting to the point.

The meat and potatoes of it is this; when your an adult you get stuck doing mundane and time consuming chores like laundry and cooking. You have to pay the bills and buy the groceries, all while maintaining a budget and stretching a dollar. When I set off on my own and had to start setting limits for my finances, the one thing I never cut corners on were groceries (and shoes). I don't know why, but I have always felt that food (and shoes) cost what it cost and if your working your ass off you deserve to at least eat what you want (and rock a bad ass pair of Steve Maddens)...Right?

Well, after a few years of throwing good money away at my local grocer, I had a kid and made some bargain savvy mom friends. These woman opened my eyes to a new world of food shopping corner cutting that has allowed me to still buy the things I love to eat without having to sacrifice that extra pair of patent leather pumps I'd been eyeing at the mall. Normally I'm not one to hit up the local Walmart for anything other than underwear, but these ladies have shown me what fist fighting white trash for a carton of eggs could do to help my budget and truthfully, it's worth it. Frozen foods, cereal, milk, and other household staples are dollars cheaper than the chain grocery store and that's just on the name brand stuff. If you want a real deal check out their store brand food.

Now before you turn your nose up at store brand food- as I always did until recently - hear me out. I did a little research and found that a lot of the things that are labeled store brand are actually the real deal with an uglier label. It wasn't easy to find the truth. In fact, Walmart was the only one remotely willing to admit to what they were using and it still took me a few hours of digging to come up with the few items I found. I guess it's some kind of conspiracy. That in mind, you may want to get your foil helmets out before you take a look at this list of products.

The Bargain List-Store Brands and Their Makers

FACT- "60% of name brand manufacturers produce store brands"-Private Label Association

Natures Own bread= Walmart brand ( the only difference is that they use a thinner bag for the store brand)

Hidden Valley makes all the oil and salad dressing for Target, Walmart and Winn Dixie

McCormick= all store brand spices

Pampers = Target brand diapers

All of the following are Walmart brands

Canned beans= Con Agra

Ketchup= Delmont

Canned veggies= Allen

Sugar= Imperial

Flour= Gold Medal

Ice Cream= Blue Bell

Frozen potatoes (french fries)= Orieda

Frozen veggies= Pictsweet

Pickles= Best Maid

Thick sliced bacon= Tyson

Worcestershire sauce= Lea & Parris

Tuna= Star Kist

Can ham= Hormel

Non-stick spray= Pam

Can tomatoes= Hunts

Chili sauce= Heinz

Vienna sausages= Armour

Pudding cups= Snak Pak

Popcorn= Pop Weaver

Yogurt= Yoplait

Coffee creamer= Nestle

P-nut butter= Peter Pan

Refrigerated biscuits and rolls= Kraft

Cookie dough= Nestle

Pot Pies= Banquet

Chocolate syrup= Nestle

Hot chocolate packets= Swiss Miss

Tea bags= Luizianne

**I want you all to know that during my research I did take a moment to check around and make sure that these store brands were not just retarded second cousins of the real deal. It turns out that not only are they from the same factory, but they also contain the same ingredients and quality. Like my mom friend told me; "It's not like they have strange little Mexicans growing tomatoes in their bathroom, so that Walmart can have cheaper ketchup." And she right, but you don't have to take my word for it. Go out and see for yourself and if you find some brands along the way that I missed, please add them in the comment section below.