Phoning In A Worthless Wednesday

"You would like to think you're hard working, but let's face it: Two or three hours after you get up in the morning, you're ready to pack it in." - Walter T Pratt


I have to be real honest with you guys, it's only a little over a day until the new Twilight movie is released and I have been way to absorbed re-reading the book and Googling cast interviews to put any effort into this blog. So, I'm phoning it in today. I was fortunate enough to have saved an extra blog for days like this. The problem is that it was one of the first blogs I ever wrote. Which means it's very safe and probably not what I would consider my best work. Oh, well... It still got you here and bulked up my views number, so I guess it's done the job. Enjoy your worthless Wednesday and remember that sometimes it's OK to do just enough not to get fired. Look at your boss for Christ sake. What is it that tool really does anyway? Besides micromanaging your ass and making sure you're not stealing computer paper (Which we all know you do anyway, you thief. ), he's basically doing the bare minimum too. What a worthless web we weave! Now read this and get back to pretending to work.

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Driving Me Crazy. (Original date of conception 7/30/09)



After a long day of traveling with my crazy two year old, I'm ready to be committed. I always try to organize myself before a drive. In the passenger seat I keep extra juice boxes and toys. The center counsel contains pacifiers and the remote to the portable DVD player. Yet, it never fails that once the odometer hits 65 mph he loses his mind. The last two drives we have taken resulted in 3 near death experiences and one head trauma caused by a flying juice cup. The near death experiences I provided by over steering. It's always in an attempt to reach something he's screaming for. Once it was for the green dinosaur. I took the time to explain to him that he already had the red one, but the red one is a T-Rex and he clearly wanted the green Triceratops. Not that looking for Dino's is the only thing that leaves me searching when I should be driving. Sometimes I have to find the juice cup he chucked at me, because afterward he had throwers remorse and needed a sip of fruit punch to calm his nerves. I know letting him cry is smarter than putting our lives in jeopardy, but an hour drive with that little monster screaming at me is more painful than any wreck I could get my self into.


The long car rides with the "Mouthy Midget" are not the worst of it though. Now when we take a quick trip to the mall or supermarket he gets car sick. Unfortunately, he never throws up when we are safely parked. He always waits until I'm stuck in the middle lane with no place to pull over to start spewing like the exorcist. This then leaves me to drive the remainder of the way with him screaming "EWE, Yucky" and me rummaging for anything remotely close to absorbent.


I've tried thinking of ways to keep my driving dilemma under control and this is what I have so far:


*Duck tape and lots of it. It can be fashioned into a muzzle or restraint. Just make sure to do that before you start driving or it defeats the "safety" purpose.

* A helmet is great for protection in case of a collision caused by baby, but they also deflect flying debris.

* Sham Wow is another great thing to have handy. It's super absorbent and can be trimmed into sections to cover your kid and your car. And really, haven't you always wanted a reason to buy them? That animated crack head on TV is an outstanding salesman.

Though it sounds like I may end up looking like I belong in special "ed" more than Gymboree's "mommy and me", being safe on the road is worth the embarrassment; wouldn't you agree?
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Wow, that was painful to read, but you know what's not painful to read; The Twilight Saga. Which is why I happily posted this. Now I can get back to what I really feel like doing today; fantasizing about mythical, underage creatures violating me...It's going to be a great week, folks. See you Friday!

Worthless Wednesday Dreams and Ambitions

This instalment of "You Are Worthless" Wednesday, is brought to you by your dreams and ambitions. Enjoy!

"You don't have any outstanding qualities. It's safe to say that you're pretty much just like everybody else."-Walter T. Pratt

Fact:
You are not that original!
**Do you have a great and original idea? Guess what, it turns out a lot of other people have the same great and original idea too. Bummer... Here are a few theories on why this is.

My BFF seems to think that when you speak an idea out lout it travels through space and is capable of penetrating many minds. Minds that are not only faster than ours, but that are a lot smarter too. Sound crazy? Think about all the times you've shot up in the middle of the night with a great idea only to find a few months later it's already been put in motion. According to my BFF, if you discussed your idea with anyone, you have no one to blame but yourself. Personally, I believe that I'm not that smart or original. If I can think it, chances are someone else already has and they are probably a lot more motivated than I am.

The Fix:
Maybe a tinfoil helmet would cut down on the brainwave leakage? You could always try that the next time you decide to dream big.

"When was the last time you did something you were proud of? Keep thinking. I bet you're stumped"-Walter T. Pratt

Fact:
Some of your good ideas really suck.
**Sometimes there is a reason that invention you came up with hasn't been made yet. The reason is that no one would buy it.

Last week while I was working hard on my new business venture, (a venture that is strictly centered around my writing) my husband came to me with a ONE OF A KIND MONEY MAKER. Apparently, while he was driving around peddling his bosses products he came across a billboard advertising wireless headphones. After thinking long and hard he decided it would be genius to invent earrings that could flip into your ears when you wanted to listen to music or talk on the phone. He was beyond excited to share this with me, which is why I felt so guilty when I busted a gut laughing in his face. Here is how the conversation went after I was able to control my laughter:

Me- "You can't be serious."
Him-"What do you mean? It's a great idea."
Me- "So why would you wear the head phone as earrings?"
Him- "Because they are wireless and it would keep you from loosing them. They would always be hanging in your ear. When the phone rings you just flip them up. It's a time saver."
Me-"That's stupid. Are you aware of how large they would have to be? And how do you plan on making them light weight enough to dangle from a hole in the ear? Also, have you never heard of Bluetooth and Earbuds?"
Him- "You know what, Jen, I was just trying to help you out by sharing something that would sell like hot cakes. If you don't want to do it that's fine, but I still think it's a good idea. Women would love it!"

Folks I could be wrong and he could have something here. But as a woman I can tell you I don't "love it". Can you imagine sporting a pair of Casio's instead of your diamond studs? No thanks.

The Fix:
Do your research before you share your AMAZING ONE OF A KIND MONEY MAKER with anyone. I know it's exciting when you think of something new, but keep in mind, if you are going to share it there is a good chance someone will call you on your stupidity. Oh, and by the way honey, some idiot did make those earrings. They look as stupid as I imagined and after inspecting them I can promise they are not selling "like hot cakes". Get yourself some tinfoil and I'll make you a helmet.

"If you take a big risk and follow your dream, chances are you're going to fall flat on your face. On the upside, everyone around you will get a good laugh."-Walter T. Pratt

FACT:
If you are going to say you are a writer, back it up by actually being one.
**I say writer because that's where I'm coming from, but really this goes for anything you choose to label yourself with.

Recently someone asked me what I do. I knew right away that this person wanted to know what I do to make money, but I didn't know if it was socially acceptable to say that I "do" someone with a full time job and great health benefits. Instead I weighed my options. Currently I am a stay at home mom/housewife that writes a blog and is hoping to get a book deal. I could go with that mouth full or I could skip the boring part and look interesting. Tuff choice...I told the woman I'm a writer and regretted it instantly. After allowing my delusion to slip out she asked me what I wrote. That's when things got humiliating. I told her about the blog first. She responded with a look that told me this qualifies me as a writer about as much as singing into a hair brush makes me a singer. Then I told her I was writing a book too. Her follow up to that was to ask me who my publisher is. When I couldn't answer that question she smiled and wished me good luck. As she walked away I couldn't help but wish I was a better liar.

The Fix:
Practice your social "about me" chat in front of the mirror in your bathroom. This will give you a chance to perfect your delusion while still allowing you the privacy to lay down a hot Celine Dion track.


Wow, this is by far my most worthless blog... I'm so sorry for the time suck. If you take only one thing from this today let it be the tinfoil helmet. Not only would you look outstanding in it, the helmet will keep your dreams safely stored inside your mind where they belong.

Today is Wednesday and "You Are Worthless," But Let Me Tell You Why...

Hello all! I'm so glad you chose to join me again for "You Are Worthless" Wednesday. Today's segment is dedicated to readers who are on Facebook.

I would like to start by asking; where exactly do you think these blogs come from? Do you think the blog fairy drops a new gem on my pillow twice a week? Or do you think there is a magical bunny that leaves me colorful plastic eggs with shiny new blogs inside? The answer is no, on both accounts. And if you did believe this to be true not only are you worthless, but you are bat crazy loco too (thanks for the phrase http://www.perpetualbridesmaid.com/ ). The truth is that I personally brainstorm and type these masterpieces myself, all while neglecting housework and my family. I do this all for free and never ask anything from you in return. That is until now. In the last week the Mouthy Mommy has scored herself a pimp called the Mouthy Mavens. (They are the reason my blog page got such an amazing face lift...You're welcome.) In return for the Mouthy Mommy's blogs they are asking that people become a fan of the Mouthy Mavens on Facebook. The Facebook page will allow you to access MouthyMommy.com easily and allow you to gain access to me on twitter as well. It isn't hard; all you have to do is sign into your Facebook account. Type Mouthy Mavens in the search box. Hit enter. Then click "Become a Fan" next to the Mouthy Mavens icon. Or you can click on the link that sits at the top left of The Mouthy Mommy's blog page. Sounds easy right? Then why is it that you are still not a fan? Is it because you are worthless? Or is it because you're incompetent? Either way, take a few minutes while you're stalking your exes and old high school friends on Facebook to sign up. Or shoot me an e-mail and I will send you a personalized tutorial complete with pictures, detailed directions and a sketched outline of my middle finger.

I know I cannot force you to do anything, after all I am not your mother. And I really hope you thank God for that too, because if I were your mother, you can bet there would be a few new additions to the foster care system this week.

Well, I promised myself I would keep Wednesday's short so that I could focus on other things, but of course my readers screwed that up. This is why I wish I was famous. Famous people don't have to belittle or threaten others to gain fans...I can guarantee Oprah doesn't have this problem. (*Sigh*)This just proves, yet again, that I am as worthless as you are....Here's your quotes for the day. Enjoy them and try not to be such a huge disappointment in the future.

"Your parents didn't think about what they were doing for a second. They just reproduced like dumb apes, and here you are---part of the problem."
-Dr. Walter T. Pratt

"The law of averages would suggest that at some point in your life, someone has referred to you as "that idiot."-Dr. Walter T. Pratt

***On a manic note, thank you to everyone who has already become a fan. I can't tell you how much your support is appreciated!

Introducing "You Are Worthless" Wednesday

*Disclaimer*
If you do not have a sense of humor, please do not read Wednesday blogs. They are intended as a joke and nothing more. In other words, please do not read this and then credit me in a suicide note. I have no money for your angry family members to gain in a law suit and I am positive I would never survive in a penitentiary setting. However, If you like to laugh at dark humor, read on my worthless friend!

"You Are Worthless" Wednesday is dedicated to those who each day, get one step closer to jumping off the deep end. Does it ever bother you that when you're feeling depressed and lonely, people reach out with sugar-coated nuggets of useless wisdom? Do you ever think that maybe being optimistic is for chumps? As someone who is one meltdown away from the cuckoo's nest, I'd like to take the opportunity to show you why your misery is warranted and justified.


I recently ran across a book by Dr.Oswald T. Pratt and Dr. Scott Dikkers. They have collaborated on a book series called "Just Give Up". Dr. Pratt is a former psychiatrist who has had it with his patients whining and is ready to cut the B.S. and tell them like it is. Dr. Dikkers is from "The Onion." One of the books in the series, titled "You Are Worthless," is the inspiration for my new Wednesday blog segments.

But why am I doing this? Why am I quoting someone else's work instead of coming up with my own originals? Well, there are two reasons. I'll start with the most important. I am currently working on a book, that now, because of all my blogging (whose sole purpose was and is to gain interest for the book) has gone from my baby to my neglected, red-headed stepchild. Considering that the book is my ticket out of the depths of poverty (and this blog is completely free to the public), I think it's time to give it more attention.

The second reason is that I am just as worthless as you are and I hope that realization will inspire some dialogue between us. This blog has been very one sided. Maybe you have a quote or a thought to share. Think of all the ways hearing someone else's misery helps you feel better about your own current, pathetic situations. You can share your worthlessness anonymously (by clicking on the "Click to comment" link at the bottom of this blog) and it is a good way for you to give back and help someone other than yourself for a change. People helping people...It's a win-win...

I want you to know that on occasion some of the "You Are Worthless" Wednesday quotes will be originals from the Mouthy Mommy. After all, I may have a few extra minutes to kill while I'm trying to neglect house work, bill paying, or my family.I'm not sure... But in the mean time, the quotes will come from the book, mentioned above, with limited commentary from me. Know that this is only temporary. It's just a way to devote the time needed to get my book done, without the pressure of blogging two originals a week. So, that in mind here is your first worthless quote.. Enjoy it or don't, who cares!

Today's quote is about friendship...

"Let's sit down and actually count how many genuine, true friends you have. It's not that many is it? Actually, you probably don't have a single friend. Oh, except Jesus. He's your friend. Why don't you call him and see if he wants to hang out?"

Wow, this is a good one because it's able to crush your spirit and your faith all in one shot...

***Because I tend to be very self-absorbed, I like hearing feedback; good or bad. ( but especially the positive stuff. It strokes my ego and gives me a reason to pull my sorry ass out of bed every day!) So feel free to let me know if you like this or if I need to go in a new direction.

Hope you come back next week... Though, if you don't, I completely understand.