Tuesday, December 22, 2009

The Mouthy Mommy Goes To The Gun Show...

In an attempt to earn some extra cash this holiday season and give my family all the useless crap they want but do not need, the Mouthy Mommy decided to take a weekend job. Unfortunately for me, it was a gig at the West Palm Beach Gun Show. Fortunately for you, it was a complete disaster and left me with much to write about.

Let me start by setting the scene...When I pulled into the parking lot of the gun show, I was overwhelmed by the sight of Ford and Chevy pickups adorned with the always classy, Truck Nutz. For those of you who are unfamiliar with "Truck Nutz" they are plastic testicles that attach to the undercarriage of your vehicle. In Redneck Land they are considered an automotive improvement, like window tint or a sound system. As I exited my car and walked slowly to the front gate, I could see a massive amount of men waiting in line to purchase tickets (That's right, tickets to the gun show). 90% of them were all business in the front and party in the back. Meaning, the mullet ratio was off the charts. The only quality that was more abundant in these men than mullet haircuts, was obesity and camo covered Wrangler jeans. Which is probably why my attire of skinny jeans, white long sleeve shirt and pink scarf had me sticking out like a turd in a punch bowl (I actually heard someone say that while I was there). As I tried to contain my laughter, I picked up the pace and made it to the front doors where I had the privilege of being the only woman vendor waiting to enter the expo center. I looked around at the guys that I would be working beside and realized that between the 20 of them, there wasn't one full set of teeth. Not even if you put them all together in one mouth. It was outstanding and I knew right then, that I would be learning a lot on this job.
I just wasn't sure at that moment, what it would be.

The inside of the show was as exciting as the outside. The tables were full of high powered assault rifles, giant knives, WWII memorabilia (complete with all the Nazi garb a young skin head could dream of) and tasers as far as the eye could see. In an attempt to keep the show a family affair, there were also a few booths set up with cheap, pink camo clothing and chintzy kids toys complete with choking hazards, made only in the USA. My favorite item of the day was the lipstick mace. Printed in bold red letters on the front of the package were the words "Never be date raped again!" Which got me thinking, is date rape that much of an epidemic in Redneck Land? Are woman repeatedly having this problem? Holy shit! If I was date raped more than once, I don't know about you, but I think I'd forgo the mace and become a shut in instead. Finding Mr. Right just doesn't seem worth the emotional scaring.

After taking a quick moment to evaluate my surroundings, I sat down at my booth and began the longest 8 hours of my life. I wasn't there to sell anything. I was just there to babysit a small batch of fliers, provided by the pawn shop I was representing. None of the patrons noticed I was there and I was left to sit alone. Well, kind of alone. I had 3 lovely vendors sharing space with me and because we shared space they felt we should also share conversation. I didn't necessarily feel the same way. I was hoping to do my time, make some cash and forget that places like this hell hole, ever existed. Making friends was the last thing I felt like doing, but I forced a polite smile anyway when I was greeted by Humpty Dumpty, the scope salesman on the left of me. After all, it wasn't his fault my invisibility cloak was malfunctioning. Humpty, was bald and egg shaped. He was also very eager to let loose about his theories on global warming. That's when I learned my first bit of redneck knowledge. According to Mr. Dumpty there is no such thing as global warming. It's just a fancy word that scientist use to make money. Ice bergs are not melting and there is a huge abundance of Polar Bears that hang out in Canada, all we have to do is spread them out and they will no longer be on the endangered list. I'm not sure how this conversation began or where he got his facts, all I know is that seconds after I said "hello," Humpty took me on a magical journey through stupid land and I haven't been the same since.

Upset with the fact I would never be able to get back that 20 minutes of my life, I walked outside for a smoke. It was at this time that I passed two men having a conversation. I'm not sure what they were talking about, but I do know that one of them felt that the gun show was, and I quote, "Mind bottling!"

On my walk back from my smoke break, I passed some interesting art work. One blatantly racist piece, was a photograph of President Obama shinning Sarah Palin's shoes. Even though I found it offense, it seemed to be a real crowd pleaser. I actually saw children under the age of ten, pointing and laughing at it. This proving my theory, that stupidity is genetic and possibly contagious.

Though the entire weekend left me feeling like there should be a law against allowing any of these people to reproduce, operate a firearm or teach school age children, I did find one person there that wasn't half bad. The NRA was kind enough to provide a Sara Palin impersonator and I was lucky enough to get a picture with her. I personally think the real Sara is an idiot, but in the gun world she is as popular as baby Jesus and Budweiser. They absolutely love her and they can't wait for her to run for office in 2012. (If you want to know if the world will end in 2012, elect that woman into office and I promise Armageddon will follow.) Anyway, Patsy the fake Sarah allowed me to hold a big gun in the photo. I'm not sure what kind it was, but I did learn that it is A) illegal to take a picture with a gun if your finger's on the trigger and B) the Palin look alike does not like it pointed at her face. She says it's because she didn't want it to look like I was shooting her lipstick off. I think she was missing that it was exactly the look I was going for. All jokes aside,Patsy was a nice lady and I'm saying that genuinely. Not just because I gave her the link to my website.

It was amazing how much she looked like the Governor. If you want to check out her website( and trust me it's worth a look) you can find her at http://www.sarahpalinimpersonator.com/ .

So, though the gun show was a complete waste of my time, it did teach me a few things. 1) That I will do pretty much anything to make a few bucks and 2) that I have no business working a gun show...EVER. I also learned why I should never own a gun. Until there is proof that gun ownership doesn't cause retardation, I'll stick to finding other ways to protect myself. Maybe I'll start toting a bow and arrow or better yet I'll strap on my tinfoil helmet and will the Canadian Polar Bears to guard me... Damn it! Looks like stupidity is contagious. Somebody get me a gun!

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Dear Santa and/or Baby Jesus...

Dear Santa and/or Baby Jesus,

I'm not really sure if either one of you exist, but just in case I feel it's best to cover all my bases and address both of you. Hell, if you see the Easter Bunny hanging around, feel free to pass this on to him too. I'm not picky and truthfully, you'll need all the help you can get.

I am aware that I've been a bit naughty this year. I have repeatedly neglected my housework, I torture and poke fun at my husband to improve the comedic value of my blogs and I've taken the Lord's name in vain so many times, that my son is starting to think that his name is Jesus Christ. Also, I may have called a Dollar rent-a-car customer service woman a few names that are illegal in some states. But please, before you judge me for that one, you may want to check your naughty list for her too. I'm not sure what her real name is, but I assume her last name is Face and her first starts with a "C".

Listen, I'm not perfect. I screw up a lot, but I do good things too. I always leave a penny in that little dish at the gas station (if I have one). I make sure my family is fed and clean (most of the time). And most importantly, I bring the gift of laughter twice a week to a bunch of crazies, for zero money(this is 100% true). So if you think about it, all the good I do for others cancels out all that naughty crap I do to others.

Now, to the point of this letter. I have a few wishes/wants/needs this Christmas and it would be nice if one of you could come through for me this year.

*I know I asked for this last year, but a nanny and a house keeper is always number one on my list. I understand that placing two live humans under the tree is an unorthodox request to fill, but honestly, there are plenty of people waiting in front of The Home Depot for a job. It would be a gift for all involved. (Just so you know, there is a Home Depot a few blocks from my house. It would take zero effort for you to swing by there before you stuff your fat ass through the window, Santa.. Sorry, I don't have a chimney and I'm not leaving the front door unlocked in Broward County. You'll figure it out. )

*I would like you to stop all Facebook users from using slang in their status updates. I'm on there a lot and reading sentences with the words "cuz", "minez", "wuz", and "dat" is about to earn me a permanent spot on the naughty list next year for committing a hate crime.

*If it's not to much trouble I could really use some free time. An hour a day would be great. Locking myself in the bathroom and pretending to take a dump for alone time is hardly my idea of relaxing. Have you ever tried using a toilet as a computer desk? It's terrible. Plus, I think my kid and husband are on to me. The kid incessantly bangs on the door the entire time and my husband has started messing with the wifi when I'm in there. I'm not going to lie; they both really suck. I need the time.

* My final request is a toughy. I would really like to be famous. I know I'm kind of a big deal with the crazies, but I'm looking to branch out. I'm thinking a reality show or a book deal. Or how about the Mouthy Mommy on ice? I can't skate for shit, but I'm a fast learner and people seem to love that ice skating bologna. Look at how well Sesame Street is doing with it. Maybe we can get Oscar the Grouch to play me. Whatever, I'm not going to tell you how to do your job... Just see what you can do.

Well, I know that with only a few weeks before the "big day", you guys have a lot of work to do. So get on it and don't let me down again. There is really very little keeping me from doing a swan dive off the roof these days and it's likely that one more disappointment may push me over the edge. Keep that in the back of your mind when you feel like cutting corners.

The Mouthy Mommy

Scotch and pot will be left out in lieu of cookies and milk. Santa, I know it's your favorite. You reeked of both when we visited you at the mall last week.

Boys, there is no need to fight! You can all get me a gift.....

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Got Pink?

I am always looking for new things to write about. Sometimes I use my real life experiences and sometimes I pull from outside sources of stupidity. Last week I received an e-mail from my father containing a link to an article he had found. ( He likes to use his free time to surf the web and when he finds something kid related he shoots it over to me. A few weeks ago he sent me this: Baby's First Bong)

So when I read the title "Are Pink Toys Bad for Girls?", I instantly thought that it was going to be a picture of a young girl holding a pink vibrator or maybe a pink crack pipe. I wasn't sure, but I was assuming it would be inappropriate on some level. I guess that's why I was shocked when I opened the page and found an actual article. Could it be that he finally sent me something of value? I read through it quickly looking to see if scientist found a link between the color pink and Autism in girls? Was pink causing girls to commit suicide? Did pink cause cervical cancer? NO, of course not!!! The only thing the color pink's doing is causing feminist to lose their shit. And I'm assuming the only reason my father sent the article to me is so that I would lose mine.

Let me start by summarizing the article. Two women in the U.K got their panties in a bunch when they entered a toy store and "noticed the toys they sell are clearly marketed for girls and boys based on color" These idiots quickly formed an alliance with more idiots and are protesting under the name "Pinkstinks". They feel that, "pink dresses, kitchen toys, dollhouses and other playthings rendered strictly in rosy hues teach girls early that they have different roles than boys. This process causes girls to value beauty over brains and fosters an obsession with physical appearance." Pinkstinks has also gained the support of a former consumer Czar (not sure what a consumer Czar is, but I'm guessing it's a Queen term; like power bottom and that also, he is an idiot) Ed Mayo, agrees that the "color apartheid" puts children on different paths in life. Then like any idiot supporting bullshit he changes his tune and says "while it might not be the color pink's fault, one of those paths definitely leads to lower pay and status than the other."

Really?!? How typical of an idiot to fight a battle over something that "might not" be the reason for the problem. ( I wonder if these women and their Czar were Bush supporters?)

Here's my take on the whole thing....
**The reason boys and girls have different roles is because, guess what...They are DIFFERENT! It's science. If you have a problem with that, maybe you should stop reproducing.

**Stop blaming toys and colors for crippling girls ability to make a decent life for themselves when they grow up. If your daughter's a whore and has low self esteem it's not Barbie's fault, it's yours. Maybe you should have spent more time teaching the importance of self worth and less time picketing in your Birkenstock's. As a stay-at-home mom and housewife, I know exactly what brought me to where I am today. And guess what, it had nothing to do with the small cupcakes I cooked over a light bulb in my hot pink Easy Bake Oven. It had everything to do with watching my mother. If you want someone to blame for your kids problems, stand in front of the mirror and point. It's your fault, not the toys.

**Gender specific colors are only specific if you allow them to be. I bought a pink laptop. I didn't do it because pink is my favorite color. I did it because my husband thinks pink is "girlie" and it deters him from using it. At the same time my two-year-old son's favorite color is pink. I have never told him that pink is for girls. I have no right to tell him something he likes is wrong. (Unless he "likes" murdering small animals or performing sex acts on mannequins. I can deal with gay, straight and gender confused. I am not however, prepared for serial killer.) The point I'm getting to is this, the color of a toy has little to do with the reason a child wants to play with it. My kid wanted a pink kitchen play set. I bought him a blue one (because the pink was sold out) and he plays with it every day. Proving that color had nothing to do with why my little guy wanted it. He just likes whipping up FAB-U-LOUS imaginary food.

**Gender specific toys are also only as specific as you allow them to be. My house is littered with dinosaurs and toy trucks. Yet in the small toy bin, I also see a tiny set of eyes peering at me. The eyes belong to a doll my son had to have last Christmas. (He named her Karen, after a girl in his nursery school class.) Though “Karen,” spends most of her time at the bottom of the toy box, occasionally she gets taken out for a romp and her and my son have a blast together. He’s never been told that dolls are for girls and in our house, he never will be. As a parent of a young child I make the decision to teach what is and is not acceptable behavior for boys and girls. If I don't make a big deal out of something there is exactly that, "no big deal." There is no law that says pink toys are only for girls or that boys can only play with toy guns and blue dinosaurs. If you have a problem with your daughter playing with doll houses and pretend cleaning supplies maybe you should think about why it bothers you so much. Then when you figure it out stand in front of the mirror and slap yourself in the face. Why? Because you need a reality check. When was the last time you heard your kid complain that the toys they are playing with were discriminating or stereo typing their gender? Never right? That is because they don't know about any of that stuff until you teach it to them. Once again it is your fault. So stop protesting for stupid causes because you are bored and allow the rest of us to make our own choices for our kids. It would really be nice to walk through the automatic doors at Toys R Us without having to yell at you to "Shut the f*ck p and mind your own business."

Recently American idiot moms called for a boycott of Toys R Us because its Christmas catalog featured "outdated gender roles." As an non idiot American mom, I'm calling for all of them to get a hobby and take a Midol. Honestly, how do they have all this free time? Are there not enough dinners to cook and clothes to clean at their houses? Geesh!

If you want to read more of the article you can check it out here : http://www.lemondrop.com/2009/12/02/are-pink-toys-bad-for-girls/?icid=mainhtmlws-main-wdl5link6http://www.lemondrop.com/2009/12/02/are-pink-toys-bad-for-girls/

Also feel free to leave me your feedback.I would love to hear what you think.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Dear House, Goodbye...

Today is the one year anniversary of my mother's death. I wasn't going to revisit the subject after I wrote the tribute to her on her birthday, but then something came up. I am having a hard time letting go of things that belonged to my mother and that includes my childhood home. Unfortunately, because of the times, I am unable to keep the home in my family. This reality has been haunting me since my mother passed and my grief counselor feels that in order to experience closure it would be helpful to write a goodbye letter to the house. Writing a letter that would not be read felt like such a waste because in my mind, nothing is permanent until it is said out loud. That is why I have decided to share it with all of you.

(I've never written a goodbye letter and I have to say, it felt odd writing one to a house. I really hope this helps me, because it really feels nutty. )

Dear House,

I never thought the day would come when I would have to tell you goodbye, but now I must and it's more difficult than I ever imagined. You are one of the only tangible pieces of my childhood. Proof to me that happier, carefree times existed. You are the place my parents built together. The home that our family grew in, broke in, died in. I've spent the last year trying to find a way to keep you. But with times the way they are and my life pulling me farther away from the town I grew up in, there is just no way to make that a reality. So now I must let you go, though I worry I may always struggle to live with that decision.

Before I lock your doors for good, I would like to take a moment to thank you for all the years you gave me shelter. You are more than a house to me, more than a home too. You are like an extension of my mother and when she was alive, no other place felt as safe and warm. But now without her you sit like a ghost; vacant and cold. The more time passes, the more I realize that my need to keep you is a last attempt to hold on to my mother. A way to keep pretending that she'll come back to me. That's why I had to stop coming by as often. It just became to unhealthy for me to wallow in her absence, as I often did when I was with you. When mom first passed away, I came every week to lie down in the spot where they found her and collapse in piles of her clothing, that rested on the closet floor. I did anything to feel her presence and I wrapped feeling that spark of her, in being with you. I know now, that feeling closer to her has to come from within me. I can't allow my obsession with keeping you to continue hindering my ability to move forward and find closure anymore. I can't keep coming back to you, feeling like if I move slow enough through your halls that I might catch a glimpse of her. It's crazy...You are empty, she is gone and unless you magically gain the ability to pull heaven down, there is no more reason for me to come back.

Goodbye, House. I really hope that the years will be kind to you and that someday a new family can find joy and shelter within your walls. Please know that to me, you will always be home. I will miss you always, just as I will her. I love you both forever. Goodbye...


Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Awesomely Worthless Gifts...

With the economy in the toilet, there is a lot of stress that goes into holiday shopping. Face it, you can't afford Macy's or Brookstone's this year and it's looking like T.J Max may even be a stretch. I have heard that people are setting budgets of under $20 a person and I think that's a very responsible thing to do when times are tough. The problem is that though budgets are down, prices are up and twenty bucks will only get you a few pairs of tube socks and a jar of mayo, if your lucky. And who wants that?..The answer is no one. (Did you hear that, grandma?) So, the Mouthy Mommy put herself to the test and came up with a few awesomely worthless gifts for you to give your loved ones this year. Unfortunately, I couldn't keep them from being crappy, but I was able to find things that are fun and most importantly functional. Get ready to shop folks. Here is this years best worthless gifts for under $20!

Saving the environment is huge right now. You see these totes in all the stores and you may have purchased one in a moment of guilt. (The state of the Earth really is an Inconvenient Truth ) But do you ever remember to use it? I'm guessing you don't, because A) most of you don't really give a damn about the environment and B) I know for a fact you enjoy using those plastic grocery bags for everything, from raping paper to trash bags. So why buy this bag? Well, for one, it's a terrific conversation starter and two, it's not for you, douche nozzle. It's for someone who actually loves Mother Earth or at least wants people to think they do. Stop being selfish and buy this bag. It's a steal at $6.99 and it can be found at; http://www.perpetualkid.com/leave-bag-in-car-shopping-bag.aspx

My husband can't remember shit and every time I send him out with a grocery list, he loses it or forgets to read it. That's why this year for Hanukkah he's receiving To-Do Tattoo's. Nothing says I wear the pants in this family like a sleeve tattoo of honey do's. They are $3.49 at; http://www.perpetualkid.com/to-do-tattoo.aspx .

Another big craze right now is that Jesus character. Every where you look some one's sporting a What would Jesus do? piece of jewelry. That's why I love this Ask Jesus, magic answer maker. Now people can stop wondering and start delivering the rapture as Jesus would have. Get your Bible buds their own personal 11 inch Jesus today. He will only set you back $19.99 and he's at;

Sticking with the magically glorious Magic Eight Ball design, is the Instant Excuse finder. Help your brother get out of visiting his in-laws or maybe give your best bud a fast excuse for ditching work after a long night of banging cheap tranny hookers. It's the perfect gift for anyone! It cost $ 4.69 and can be found at; http://www.amazon.com/CloseoutZone-11853-Instant-Excuse-Ball/dp/B001DNA1VG/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=toys-and-games&qid=1259692229&sr=8-1

Have a whiny, brooding teen in the family? Check out this soap. Though it's tear free it's sure to give them something to cry about. Also, it kills two birds with one stone. It cuts and keeps the wounds clean. After all, kids want attention, not an infection. Ha! I crack myself up... The soap is $6.95 and can be found at; http://www.fetosoap.com/shop/index.php?main_page=product_info&products_id=43

These bacon strip bandages are super cool and fit nicely into a stocking. A box of 15 are $3.99 and are sold at; http://www.perpetualkid.com/bacon-bandages.aspx

For the neurotic hypochondriac in the family, check out The Complete Manual of Things That Might Kill You. That kook you love will be able to easily find what's killing them by self diagnosing using all of their symptoms (real or imagined) in this one of a kind book. If you really want to splurge, pair this book with the Bacon Bandages. The book is $19.99 and can be found at; http://www.perpetualkid.com/manual-of-things-that-might-kill-you.aspx

Know a clean freak. Here's a gift that shows how obnoxious you find them. OCD man comes with a sanitary wipe, latex gloves and a informative list of compulsions. It's $8.95 and sold at; http://www.amazon.com/Novelty-Figures-11561-Obsessive-Compulsive/dp/B000CA0H0Q/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=toys-and-games&qid=1259692267&sr=1-1