And The Award For Worst Housewife Ever Goes To...

"Listen to that little voice in your head that says,"I don't have what it takes to do this job."-Walter T. Pratt

If you haven't figured it out, the "Worst Housewife Ever" award goes to yours truly. My husband kindly bestowed it upon me at about 6:30 this morning when he was getting himself dressed for work. Why you ask? Well, it seems that though I managed to do about 3 loads of laundry the day before, I somehow forgot to throw in any of his underwear. Which then left my husband to storm through the house like a drunk gorilla and shout that I am in fact, the worst housewife ever. Normally I would argue that there is no possible way that I could be the "worst" at anything (other than spelling), but the fact that he now must go "Indian" to his weekly office meeting, proves that in fact I am. Not that my husbands lack of underoos is the only thing that qualifies me to receive this prestigious title. There are plenty of things that are neglected, overlooked and shoved into closets by me on a daily basis that have allowed me to earn it. So instead of hiding the fact that I have found yet one more job that I am unqualified for, I have decided to own it and do what comes natural to me; punish myself through the written word.

I will break down my housewife duties and give you a glimpse into how I do things. I have to warn you, it's not pretty and if I had any self respect I would keep this to myself. Lucky for you I don't. Enjoy my crazy!

* Cooking

My cooking is terrible. I think it has something to do with the fact that I only know how to make four things and the recipes for all of them came off the back of soup cans. Sure, I could probably do better if I took the time to learn how to make things that didn't have the word helper or instant in the title, but no one is starving or overweight in my house. They're just slightly nauseated and possibly at risk of coronary disease.

*Cleaning

I only clean the things that are visible. Out of sight, not my problem is my motto. I do try to clean under the sofa once a month to keep the dog hair tumble weeds from rolling out when a draft blows in from the open front door, but bedrooms and closets that contain a working door leave me with little motivation to make or keep them tidy. That's why during parties and gatherings you will never be offered the "five cent" tour of my home. If you are super nosey and decided to ask for one, expect this response. "I have four bedrooms, they are all basically the same... Messy. Tour over. Now beat it!"

*Bathrooms

Bathrooms are cleaned for company or after a stomach virus rocks a family member...Oh, and when a tiny tree starts to grow in the shower.

*Nice Things

Most of the furniture in my home is only a few years old, but between the kid and the dog using it as their own personal jungle gym and in some cases- napkin, you may find it hard to believe once you see their condition. The coffee table is chipped and dented, the sofa in the family room has Cheetos stains, the sofa in the living room smells like dog and an inch of dust and dog hair covers everything else. I try to Fabreze and vacuum rugs once a day, but I have got to be honest, by Friday I have pretty much given up. This is why until the dog is dead and the kid is in college, we cannot have "nice" things.

*Laundry
Laundry is a huge thorn in my side and one of my husbands biggest disappointments in me. I have a routine, but it sucks and I'm learning to work around that. Here's what happens: I do the wash when I get tired of tripping over it in the bathroom. Then after a load is washed and dried I remove it, fold it and throw it in a basket where it will stay until it is worn and tossed back on the bathroom floor. I hate putting clothes away and mating socks, so I don't. Socks go under the clothes to the bottom of the basket. This is where they rest until my husband starts his daily treasure hunt. At this point it is up to him to find a pair of socks that are not only the same color, but also the same style. I'm a housewife (a really crappy one, remember?) not a maid. If he wants his stuff in the closet he can walk it there himself. Until then, happy hunting.

*Bill Paying and Scheduling
Paying bills and schedualing our family time is the only thing I am good at as a housewife. I can't say this is something I was always good at because after all, my credit score is 4 ( not 400... 4), but I find that most of my other shitty housewife tendencies can be overlooked by my husband as long as I stay on top of these two small task and for now I'm doing OK.

The Mouthy Mommy is the "Worst Housewife Ever" title holder of 2010 and after reading this blog can you think of anyone who deserves it more? If you can submit who and why on the Mouthy Mavens Facebook page or here in the comment section. I'll pick a winner Friday and that person will receive a Mouthy Housewife journal to record all of their own mouthy moments.

Introducing Housewife Helen

I recently saw a commercial announcing that Barbie has made yet another career move. Aside from being a Model, Teacher, Police Woman, Photographer, Fashion Designer, Military Officer, Paleontologist, Airline Attendant, Pilot, Ballerina, Chef, Hairdresser, Veterinarian, Astronaut, and my favorite McDonald's Cashier, she has now decided in her free time to grab a medical degree and take up Pediatrics.

While I appreciate Mattel's attempt to cover all the bases it seems to me that they are leaving out the most important job of all; the homemaker. While this may not be your first career choice for little Sally, I think it's a more realistic job avenue than becoming a starved female Astronaut with fake breasts. Think about it, Barbie is constantly receiving flack for causing young girls to develop body dysmorphic disorder and poor self esteem. It almost seems irresponsible not to add a more modest member to the Malibu clan.

I thought about how to put my plan in action and only came up with two solid options. The first was to write a letter to Mattel. the second was to create.

The problem with the first and easiest solution was that I knew Mattel would shit-can my idea immediately. The feminists have been banging on that door for years, and all they got in return was a belly button placement on the doll. Plus, I'm sure that after all Barb's been through there is just no way Mattel would have her stuck in the Malibu dream house rocking babies and ironing Ken's work shirts. If I wanted results, this housewife would have to take matters into her own hands and that's exactly what I did.

I decided to get started right away and ran to my local toy store to pick up a few supplies. It turns out that Barbie is more than just an over-achieving career woman. That showy bitch is a thief too. I know I shouldn't take it out on Barbie when her pimp Mattel is setting the prices, but $40 for three items is absurd!

After shelling out the 40 bucks (eye roll), I came home and got to work creating my masterpiece. I must have been high off of nail polish remover fumes because I lost track of time and before I knew it, my husband arrived home from work. There was no hiding the fact that he was concerned to see his almost 30-year-old wife playing with dolls, but I assured him that I was a professional and not a lunatic. I told him that when I was 15 I took a doll making class at a local art center. However, I did intentionally omit the fact that I dropped out after three weeks without ever completing one project. That part would have just encouraged his lunatic theory.

When my doll was finished I gave her a bio and put together a small marketing plan. I'm very proud to show her off to the public but remember this is just the prototype. I plan on spending twice as much time developing the real thing. I just have to find a day when I have 20 minutes to kill first ... Hope you like her!

Introducing Housewife Helen
New from Momtel

Bio
While Barbie and her friends were out making a name for themselves, Housewife Helen decided to quit college and settle down with Business Bob. They wasted no time starting a family, and now Helen works hard to keep the dream house in perfect order while keeping a watchful eye on her young child. Business Bob works for a debt collection agency downtown and expects dinner on the table at 5:30 p.m. every day. Housewife Helen never disappoints him. Though her day can be flustering, Helen maintains a constant smile courtesy of the antidepressants she was prescribed when her child was born.

Design points
Unlike her her blond counterparts. Housewife Helen has only two clothing options; Velour track suit or robe-covered pajamas. Because she was created in a real mother's image, there was no need for face make-up. Instead we (by we, I mean I keep a little mouse in my pocket) at Momtel simulated sleep deprivation by adding dark under eye circles and a complacent brow line. Keeping her appearance life-like and motherly was important so we also made sure to style her hair into a low maintenance, short mom 'do that requires little to no brushing.

Housewife Helen comes with all you see here:


Kids will have endless hours of fun helping her sweep, do laundry and feed her tiny baby. But the excitement doesn't stop there. Push the button on Housewife Helen's back to hear her really speak.

Her six catch phrases are sure to give your child a misguided sense of reality that only a small plastic replica of a woman can.

* "Being a housewife is so much more rewarding than a nine-to-five job."

* "House work is fun, I love cleaning up messes I didn't make."

* "Let's go to TJ Max, I have a coupon."

* "It's nap time baby. Oprah's on."

* "Life is easier when your husband makes all the decisions."

* "Laundry is woman's work."

Coming soon from Momtel is Business Bob. He completes the family and has lots of fun accessories too; like a removable wedding ring and a flask that really works. His play set includes Helen's dream house, equipped with a large eat-in kitchen, expansive laundry room and one nursery.

**Additional nursery play packs and pink mini-van sold separately.

Instead of Barbie's "Be who you want to be" slogan I thought we could go with something like "Be married and let your husband be whatever pays the bills." It seems a bit long though.

We at Momtel strive to do just enough to look busy but we would love your feedback anyway. Please feel free to comment and tell us what you think.

*I find her to be a great role model. Unlike Barbie, Helen doesn't make me want to starve myself or go out and buy expensive clothes my parents can't afford. Personally, if I would have had the opportunity to play with Housewife Helen as a kid I think I might have tried harder to finish college and waited longer to have kids.-->Little mouse in Jen's pocket

-- Thanks little mouse. I value your opinion!