Tuesday, February 2, 2010

And The Award For Worst Housewife Ever Goes To...

"Listen to that little voice in your head that says,"I don't have what it takes to do this job."-Walter T. Pratt

If you haven't figured it out, the "Worst Housewife Ever" award goes to yours truly. My husband kindly bestowed it upon me at about 6:30 this morning when he was getting himself dressed for work. Why you ask? Well, it seems that though I managed to do about 3 loads of laundry the day before, I somehow forgot to throw in any of his underwear. Which then left my husband to storm through the house like a drunk gorilla and shout that I am in fact, the worst housewife ever. Normally I would argue that there is no possible way that I could be the "worst" at anything (other than spelling), but the fact that he now must go "Indian" to his weekly office meeting, proves that in fact I am. Not that my husbands lack of underoos is the only thing that qualifies me to receive this prestigious title. There are plenty of things that are neglected, overlooked and shoved into closets by me on a daily basis that have allowed me to earn it. So instead of hiding the fact that I have found yet one more job that I am unqualified for, I have decided to own it and do what comes natural to me; punish myself through the written word.

I will break down my housewife duties and give you a glimpse into how I do things. I have to warn you, it's not pretty and if I had any self respect I would keep this to myself. Lucky for you I don't. Enjoy my crazy!

* Cooking
My cooking is terrible. I think it has something to do with the fact that I only know how to make four things and the recipes for all of them came off the back of soup cans. Sure, I could probably do better if I took the time to learn how to make things that didn't have the word helper or instant in the title, but no one is starving or overweight in my house. They're just slightly nauseated and possibly at risk of coronary disease.

I only clean the things that are visible. Out of sight, not my problem is my motto. I do try to clean under the sofa once a month to keep the dog hair tumble weeds from rolling out when a draft blows in from the open front door, but bedrooms and closets that contain a working door leave me with little motivation to make or keep them tidy. That's why during parties and gatherings you will never be offered the "five cent" tour of my home. If you are super nosey and decided to ask for one, expect this response. "I have four bedrooms, they are all basically the same... Messy. Tour over. Now beat it!"

Bathrooms are cleaned for company or after a stomach virus rocks a family member...Oh, and when a tiny tree starts to grow in the shower.

*Nice Things
Most of the furniture in my home is only a few years old, but between the kid and the dog using it as their own personal jungle gym and in some cases- napkin, you may find it hard to believe once you see their condition. The coffee table is chipped and dented, the sofa in the family room has Cheetos stains, the sofa in the living room smells like dog and an inch of dust and dog hair covers everything else. I try to Fabreze and vacuum rugs once a day, but I have got to be honest, by Friday I have pretty much given up. This is why until the dog is dead and the kid is in college, we cannot have "nice" things.

Laundry is a huge thorn in my side and one of my husbands biggest disappointments in me. I have a routine, but it sucks and I'm learning to work around that. Here's what happens: I do the wash when I get tired of tripping over it in the bathroom. Then after a load is washed and dried I remove it, fold it and throw it in a basket where it will stay until it is worn and tossed back on the bathroom floor. I hate putting clothes away and mating socks, so I don't. Socks go under the clothes to the bottom of the basket. This is where they rest until my husband starts his daily treasure hunt. At this point it is up to him to find a pair of socks that are not only the same color, but also the same style. I'm a housewife (a really crappy one, remember?) not a maid. If he wants his stuff in the closet he can walk it there himself. Until then, happy hunting.

*Bill Paying and Scheduling
Paying bills and schedualing our family time is the only thing I am good at as a housewife. I can't say this is something I was always good at because after all, my credit score is 4 ( not 400... 4), but I find that most of my other shitty housewife tendencies can be overlooked by my husband as long as I stay on top of these two small task and for now I'm doing OK.

The Mouthy Mommy is the "Worst Housewife Ever" title holder of 2010 and after reading this blog can you think of anyone who deserves it more? If you can submit who and why on the Mouthy Mavens Facebook page or here in the comment section. I'll pick a winner Friday and that person will receive a Mouthy Housewife journal to record all of their own mouthy moments.

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