Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Ask The Mouthy Mommy: Love Edition

"No one will ever love you as much as your mother did. And her love for you completely fucked you up, let's face it."- Walter T. Pratt

With Valentine's Day quickly approaching, love is in the air and I feel that like Hallmark and Russell Stover, I should take the opportunity to cash in on it. Today I will be answering love related questions submitted by my readers. I can't promise that my responses will be helpful because I personally hate Valentine's Day, love, public displays of affections and anything that relates to sharing feelings with someone other than my shrink, but as always I will push through my emotional ineptness and try to help to the best of my abilities.

"When someone says,"I love you," what they really mean is, "I love the way I feel when anyone expresses an interest in me, in this case, you." -Walter T. Pratt

*Mouthy Mommy,
How do you get a guy to make the leap from live in boy friend to let's get engaged?
-Megan, 26, FL

Well Megan, this one's going to take a lot on your part considering he's already getting the "milk" for free. I find that in cases such as this you have two options 1) give him an ultimatum and hope that he doesn't decide to call your bluff, (because let's face it your not willing to pay his half of the rent if he chooses to dip instead of marry you) or 2) and probably your best bet, get pregnant. Nothing says marry me or else like an unplanned addition to the family. Option two will also ensure that you will always have someone to love you, even long after Mr. Wonderful has taken off because he resents you for duping him. Let me know how it works out.-MM

*Mouthy Mommy,
Is it appropriate to start dating your OB after he's delivered two of your kids and you're still married?-Brittany, 26, FL

While I am a big fan of being faithful to your husband, I do feel that a free meal with a successful man is never a bad idea. After all, 60% of marriages end in divorce these days so it's smart to keep you options open. The big problem I see with this date is that the man is an OB. It is never a good idea to date someone who knows more than you do about anything and this is especially true when it comes to your privates. Take a moment and think about all the times your husband has tried to correct you. Now imagine if one of those times he was right and it pertained to your vagina. Not cool! I say stick with just your hubby for now. Maybe you'll luck out one day and find yourself a cute pediatrician. Now think of how much money that would save you.

*Mouthy Mommy,
How do you know when love is true love and not just infatuation?
-Pete, 39, FL

Petey, Petey, Petey...
This is not as tough as you think it is. Anytime you're caught contemplating whether you are in love or just infatuated I want you to ask yourself these 4 questions.

1) Are you still attracted to her in the morning, stink breath and all?
2) Do you two pass gas freely around each other? Is it awkward?
3) Can either of you enter the bathroom while the other is making and brush your teeth or have a conversation?
4) Think of the most annoying thing about the person you are with. Can you live with that forever?

If the answers are all yes then you're in love...Infatuation only allows for perfection. Love is about noticing the flaws in someone and deciding that even with those flaws you couldn't do any better. So run out and scream it from the roof tops. "You're in love with your momma!" She's a lucky gal, Pete and I wish you both well. - MM

*Mouthy Mommy,

Is it OK to go on a vacation without your spouse? I really want to take a cruise, but my husband gets ill every time he's on a ship and refuses to go on any more. -Claudia, Fl

Claudia, I didn't realize having your husband tag along while you're trying to have some "me" time was a vacation. It's almost a rule in the Mouthy Mommy household that vacations be taken spouse free. Tell me, what is so relaxing about having to deal with your spouse on a getaway. Shit, if he's going you might as well take your boss and kids too. There's nothing like being with the same people that make you crazy at home in a exotic location. Yea, that sounds like fun! Here's what you should do, get yourself a ticket for the next cruise you can find, book yourself an on ship spa day, pack a good book and toss your phone over board the second you leave the dock. Never feel guilty about taking time to do the things that make you happy in life. Trust me; vacation time is best served alone. I promise you'll enjoy it.-MM

*Mouthy Mommy,

What should I get you for Valentine's Day? -Steve, Your Husband

Steve, Do me a favor and refrain from buying me another chocolate arrangement set in a heart shaped cardboard box. I know you mean well, but there are only so many shitty pieces of candy I can eat in one life time and I think last year put me at my max. Since you always refuse to buy me a nanny, maid and most recently orphan, I am just going to ask that you get me something that will not require dusting, feeding or watering. Actually, it may be best if you just give me the cash you were going to spend and I'll put it towards the cruise I decided to take after answering Claudia's question. Just in case you were wondering- no, you are not invited to come with me. Love ya!- MM

I hope this was helpful, because it sure was a lot of fun. Have a great Valentine's Day, and remember, "No matter how much you think you know someone or trust someone, know this: Between you and everyone else on this planet there is a dark, infinite chasm that can never be crossed."-Walter T. Pratt On that note; have a lovely weekend! I'll see you next week. XOXOX


  1. FANTASTIC! gave me a great laugh in the middle of a crappy day!!! Dear Abby has nothing on you!!! :)

  2. You're love blog is FAAAABULOUS...you are a genius!!! Thank you for answering my question...I never thought of it that way. I definitely don't want to be with someone that knows more about my va-jean then I do!!! If I do happen to meet the pediatrician tho, I promise to spring for the cruise for us all!!!