I am no stranger to getting fired; big shock, right? I have worked many jobs, in many fields and almost all of them have ended in my termination. Though I've been "let go" many times (6 times to be exact, 7 if you count being fired from a volunteer job at the library) not one time has it been because I wasn't pulling my weight (except for the library thing; what a snooze fest). I remember vividly what it was like each time I was pulled into a small office and gently let down. Sometimes I would cry or beg for them to keep me, but most of the time I knew it was coming and had a new job lined up and waiting. After many years of feeling this rejection, it occurred to me that the only way to stay employed was to employ myself. Now at 26 I have a company that I share with my best friend "The Perpetual Bridesmaid", and though it doesn't make either one of us enough money to buy a stick of gum, it has presented us with the opportunity to hire someone to do work for us; a graphic designer. For the sake of this story and to protect his privacy we'll call him, Dopey.
Things started off well. Dopey had our logos perfect and to our specifications in a timely manner. He also handled my obsessive controlling nature and shear ignorance towards anything computer related with amazing finesse. There was never an issue with communication during the process and things were looking bright for this business relationship. That was until the logos were finished and it was time to move on to the big banana; our website. Suddenly dopey forgot how to use a phone and weeks would pass without a returned call, text message or e-mail. When I finally did hear from him there was always an excuse and never anything ready for viewing. Perpetual Bridesmaid and I knew what we had to do, but it was hard for me to put myself in the position to fire someone. One) because I knew how awkward and upsetting it was to be told you weren't good enough and two) because I just couldn't find a way around being unprofessional when doing it. Luckily, Perpetual Bridesmaid stepped in and took the reins on this one and has put together an e-mail (a modern day pink slip) for Dopey explaining that there will no longer be a need for his services. I'm not sure how he took it or if he has even read the e-mail yet. All I know is that I learned something in the process about how I want to run the Mouthy Mavens and now I would like to bounce my thoughts off of all of you.
I have decided to write a small employee handbook, this way future staff of the Mouthy Mavens will know what's expected of them. And when I say "them" I mean the one person who is willing to work for a few bottles of wine and a free meal at Arby's (No super sizing).
The Mouthy Mavens LLC employee handbook.
Congratulations on becoming a valued employee of the Mouthy Mavens LLC. We are so glad you were willing to sell yourself short and take this thankless, low paying job. Now that you've come aboard we would like you to take a moment and learn our policies. Everything you need to know can be found in this crappy thrown together brochure. If after reading this you find yourself with questions or comments, feel free to write them down and deposit them in your nearest waste receptacle. We have little tolerance for slow learners and could care less about what your opinions are when it comes to running our business. Just read the handbook and do your fucking job!
Chapter 1-Business attire.
Though there is no dress code Per Se, we do require that some form of clothing be worn during meetings with the Mavens and their clients. Please note that the Mavens have the right to mock and belittle your choice of attire at anytime or ask you to remove and hand over anything that would look better on one of us (ex; shinny shoes, engagement rings, stylish fedoras). However, if you are working virtually, feel free to work in your birthday suit or anything else that motivates you to be productive.
Chapter 2- Punctuality
While we do expect you to check in and be on time, we understand that shit happens. This is why we have developed the "look the other way" system. As long as you can provide an adequate excuse (see excuses in chapter 4) or an elaborate gift (Steve Madden Gift card, fine jewelry, ect) we will be happy to let Tardiness slide once in a while. There is only one exception and that is when it comes to deadlines. We will not tolerate any missed deadlines...Ever! Besides your death, no excuse will get you off the hook for not having your work turned in on the day we have agreed to. Capeesh? (Initial here if you capeesh:___)
Chapter 3- Appropriate language
If you are sensitive to demeaning nick names like "busfucker" and "fruity nuts"(just to name a few) we recommend you rethink taking a position with the Mouthy Mavens. We will occasionally want to refer to you as such and will consider any offense taken as insubordination and grounds for termination.
Chapter 4- Acceptable excuses
As stated in chapter two, there are only a few excuses that will get you off the hook when you screw up at the Mouthy Mavens LLC. Here is a list of acceptable excuses. Though we are very adamant about sticking to these, we are always willing to give you the opportunity to "wow" us with your reasoning to why you are such a huge disappointment. All excuses must be submitted in writing with the assumption that you will one day have it thrown back in your face or that the MouthyMommy.com will use it as a form of public humiliation.
Mavens' Excuses:
1. You're Dead
2. Spent night in jail for something really funny; Ex, Banging Tranny hooker in police station parking lot, Fighting (only if you get your ass kicked and the person who kicked it is old, gay, short, of the opposite sex, or mentally inept), busted for use of truck stop "glory hole"
3. Dead dog/cat. I know originally only "your death" could get you out of a deadline, but after review we realized there was one other excuse that could work. While we have zero compassion for humans, animals are always a soft spot. If grandpa dies we will expect your work no later than midnight the day of the deadline. If mittens kicks the bucket you may have as much as a 1 week extension providing you show evidence of its recent demise.
4. Blindness/ Deafness. We have no patience for any of these things. We are a business centered on writing, listening and reviewing. If this is a temporary issue you may have 1 week to correct it. If it is permanent, it's been a pleasure-don't let the door hit you on the way out!
5. Funny illnesses/injury. Ex) The Clap, any venereal disease that ends in "ia", anything stuck in rectum (x-ray proof required), Anal fissures, ect.
**Again, you always have the opportunity to try a new excuse out. Just remember that we will never except " I slept in," "There was traffic," or anything else generic and not awe inspiring.
***We also determine what is considered funny.
Chapter 5- Drug use.
The founders of the Mouthy Mavens run on three substances, caffeine, nicotine and anti depressants. We personally do not partake in any recreational drug use, however, we do not judge or discourage if you choose too. We understand that sometimes it takes something extra to get motivated and inspired. As long as your work is turned in and meets all Mavens standards we will use the "look the other way" system. If at any point you fail to complete a task, turn in shoddy work or steal from us to get a fix, we will not hesitate to fire your sorry ass and have you arrested. Capeesh? (Initial here if you capeesh:__)
Chapter 6- This is not a democracy.
The Mouthy Mavens LLC is not a democracy. You do not get a "vote" on anything. Your opinion is much less valuable than ours and we reserve the right to ignore your better judgment and knowledge at anytime and do things our way.
Chapter 7- Benefits
There are no health benefits, Workman's comp, life insurance, 401K plans or anything like it. If you need a band aid, a Motrin, Tylenol Cold meds or an ice pack those can be provided by the Mavens. However, your paycheck will be docked for their expense. We are running a business, not a free clinic!
Chapter 8- The Mouthy Mommy
The Mouthy Mommy reserves the right to use you and anything stupid you say and/or do around her- in a blog, story , status update, tweet, and/or book. If you do not like this policy and prefer to be a private individual; tough shit. Either you agree or you find a new job.(Refer to Chapter 6)
~Now that you know the policies of Mouthy Mavens LLC and what is expected of you, it's time to get to work! We hope you'll enjoy working with us, but we also completely understand if you hate every minute of it.
Please sign, date and return the bottom of this form.
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I _______________ have read and agree to follow all policies of Mouthy Mavens LLC.
Signed__________________________ Date__________________
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