Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Phoning In A Worthless Wednesday

"You would like to think you're hard working, but let's face it: Two or three hours after you get up in the morning, you're ready to pack it in." - Walter T Pratt

I have to be real honest with you guys, it's only a little over a day until the new Twilight movie is released and I have been way to absorbed re-reading the book and Googling cast interviews to put any effort into this blog. So, I'm phoning it in today. I was fortunate enough to have saved an extra blog for days like this. The problem is that it was one of the first blogs I ever wrote. Which means it's very safe and probably not what I would consider my best work. Oh, well... It still got you here and bulked up my views number, so I guess it's done the job. Enjoy your worthless Wednesday and remember that sometimes it's OK to do just enough not to get fired. Look at your boss for Christ sake. What is it that tool really does anyway? Besides micromanaging your ass and making sure you're not stealing computer paper (Which we all know you do anyway, you thief. ), he's basically doing the bare minimum too. What a worthless web we weave! Now read this and get back to pretending to work.

Driving Me Crazy. (Original date of conception 7/30/09)

After a long day of traveling with my crazy two year old, I'm ready to be committed. I always try to organize myself before a drive. In the passenger seat I keep extra juice boxes and toys. The center counsel contains pacifiers and the remote to the portable DVD player. Yet, it never fails that once the odometer hits 65 mph he loses his mind. The last two drives we have taken resulted in 3 near death experiences and one head trauma caused by a flying juice cup. The near death experiences I provided by over steering. It's always in an attempt to reach something he's screaming for. Once it was for the green dinosaur. I took the time to explain to him that he already had the red one, but the red one is a T-Rex and he clearly wanted the green Triceratops. Not that looking for Dino's is the only thing that leaves me searching when I should be driving. Sometimes I have to find the juice cup he chucked at me, because afterward he had throwers remorse and needed a sip of fruit punch to calm his nerves. I know letting him cry is smarter than putting our lives in jeopardy, but an hour drive with that little monster screaming at me is more painful than any wreck I could get my self into.

The long car rides with the "Mouthy Midget" are not the worst of it though. Now when we take a quick trip to the mall or supermarket he gets car sick. Unfortunately, he never throws up when we are safely parked. He always waits until I'm stuck in the middle lane with no place to pull over to start spewing like the exorcist. This then leaves me to drive the remainder of the way with him screaming "EWE, Yucky" and me rummaging for anything remotely close to absorbent.

I've tried thinking of ways to keep my driving dilemma under control and this is what I have so far:

*Duck tape and lots of it. It can be fashioned into a muzzle or restraint. Just make sure to do that before you start driving or it defeats the "safety" purpose.

* A helmet is great for protection in case of a collision caused by baby, but they also deflect flying debris.

* Sham Wow is another great thing to have handy. It's super absorbent and can be trimmed into sections to cover your kid and your car. And really, haven't you always wanted a reason to buy them? That animated crack head on TV is an outstanding salesman.

Though it sounds like I may end up looking like I belong in special "ed" more than Gymboree's "mommy and me", being safe on the road is worth the embarrassment; wouldn't you agree?
Wow, that was painful to read, but you know what's not painful to read; The Twilight Saga. Which is why I happily posted this. Now I can get back to what I really feel like doing today; fantasizing about mythical, underage creatures violating me...It's going to be a great week, folks. See you Friday!

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