Thursday, November 5, 2009

I'm A Bad Motha--Shut Yo Mouth!

How much do I love bad words? Let me count the ways....Just give me a minute to make sure there are no kids around or I'll be in big trouble.

I love bad words and honestly, who doesn't . They give you a way to express anger without violence. They show enthusiasm, joy, and are guaranteed to create a laugh if used in the right context.I think if used correctly, curse words can enhance any sentence. So why is it that I now have to pack my potty mouth away? Well, it seems that along with stealing my youth, looks and sanity, motherhood, in it's last attempt to crush my soul, needs me to alter my vocabulary too. To some extent I understand the need to watch what I say. I have a very impressionable two year old, who wants nothing more than to be just like me. When I laugh, he laughs. When I dance, he dances with me. He has even started carrying a purse to the store when we go out.( Though, I think that has more to do with his love of the color pink and show tunes) So I get that it is just a matter of time before he starts repeating some of the obscene nuggets I drop when I speak. The problem is I don't know how to quit. There is no bad word gum to chew, I've never heard of foul mouth rehab, and I doubt there is a cursing anonymous out there.

Since none of these things exist, my husband, Captain curb your language, has made it his job to help whip me into shape. He's very serious about his new role and I have to tell you, out of all the things about him that drive me crazy, him correcting my language is the worst. He cuts me no slack. The second an obscenity flies from my lips he's there standing on his soap box, cape blowing behind him, laying down the law. He's like some kind of Goddamn potty mouth crusader. I try to argue but he always interrupts me with something about our kid repeating the things we say at his religious nursery school. Then, in what I can only assume is an attempt to push me over the edge, he tries to give me a new word to use instead of the dirty one. Oh, and what gems they are. Instead of bitch use witch. Instead of fuck use frick. Instead of asshole use butt head. And so on...Now if you think people who say obscenities sound like idiots wait until you hear a sentence with one of my dip shit husbands substitutions. "Go frick yourself, Butt head." Really!?! I don't know about you, but that hardly holds the verbal face punch I was craving.

In an effort to compromise with my husband, I offered to only use the words that my son may hear on cable television. But apparently Captain CYL is running a household dictatorship. He quickly refused my offer and threatened to install a V-chip without giving me the password. In response to his unfairness, I stomped my foot like a child and insisted that he spell out where the line starts. If I can't use cable friendly words, then does that mean shut-up, moron and hell are contraband too? Do I have to stop saying Jesus Christ and Goddamn it? We're Jewish for Christ sake...It seems that Jew or not, taking the Lords name in vain is on his list of no-no's. While words like shut-up, moron, and hell are OK, just as long as they are not directed at the kid.

As the days go on this entire debacle gets more and more out of hand and my list of usable, fun and colorful words gets shorter. Just this week I got in trouble for using the word retarded in front of my kiddo. I wasn't saying he was retarded, I was simply describing the the nature of his new transformer toy. It was imposable to transform. I kept looking at the picture, while trying to bend and contort it, but it wouldn't change. It was retarded. (In retrospect I should have probably said I was retarded. After all, the age recommendation on the toy was four and up, yet at 26, I still couldn't get that bastard to cooperate.) My husband agreed that the toy was a piece of junk, but encouraged me to stop saying the r-word. Even more than the f-word the r-word is my favorite go-to when I'm frustrated. Now what was I going to f-ing do?

Angered by the fact my vocabulary was being raped harder than a drunk sorority girl at a frat mixer, I tried to think of a better way to clean up my language and still use the words I love so much. Sadly, I've only been able to come up with a new argument. Growing up my parents used bad words all the time. They just made it very clear that there are certain things adults can say and do that are off limits to kids. That's the angle I decided to use the next time my husband, AKA The Captain, starts in on me. Instead of cutting out all the things that make my life worth living; like bad words, cigarettes and cheap wine, I'll spend more time on teaching my kid boundaries. Just because my two year old can't be trusted with a pair of scissors doesn't mean I can't use them to clip coupons. I just have to be careful not to leave them where he can reach. My kid would kill himself if he was given a knife, but I still use one to cut my food when we are sitting at the dinner table. The point is, whether it's naughty words or sharp objects, I need to be straight with my kid and let him know that until he's old enough, somethings are not for him to use. After all,one day it might not be my foul mouth he's hearing, but someone else's; like his grandpa's for example. He needs to know what the boundaries are. And I think teaching him that lesson is better than me changing my vocabulary to shear ridiculousness. Honestly, that would just be retarded.

I realize there is a better chance that hell will freeze over than my husband buying into that speech, but I'll try it anyway and hope for the best. In the mean time I'll try to make peace with the fact that my potty mouth days are numbered...Oh well, at least my kid can't read yet, so I'm free to be me here.

Enjoy these fun clips. I feel they really celebrate the colorful nature of the English language. While you watch, think about how sorry they would be if they used The Captains substitutions. It would be a fricking shame, wouldn't it?

It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia is a gold mine of bad language. It's genius!

Yes, even Spongebob and Patrick could use a little soap in their mouths sometimes..

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