Dear Santa and/or Baby Jesus,
I'm not really sure if either one of you exist, but just in case I feel it's best to cover all my bases and address both of you. Hell, if you see the Easter Bunny hanging around, feel free to pass this on to him too. I'm not picky and truthfully, you'll need all the help you can get.
I am aware that I've been a bit naughty this year. I have repeatedly neglected my housework, I torture and poke fun at my husband to improve the comedic value of my blogs and I've taken the Lord's name in vain so many times, that my son is starting to think that his name is Jesus Christ. Also, I may have called a Dollar rent-a-car customer service woman a few names that are illegal in some states. But please, before you judge me for that one, you may want to check your naughty list for her too. I'm not sure what her real name is, but I assume her last name is Face and her first starts with a "C".
Listen, I'm not perfect. I screw up a lot, but I do good things too. I always leave a penny in that little dish at the gas station (if I have one). I make sure my family is fed and clean (most of the time). And most importantly, I bring the gift of laughter twice a week to a bunch of crazies, for zero money(this is 100% true). So if you think about it, all the good I do for others cancels out all that naughty crap I do to others.
Now, to the point of this letter. I have a few wishes/wants/needs this Christmas and it would be nice if one of you could come through for me this year.
*I know I asked for this last year, but a nanny and a house keeper is always number one on my list. I understand that placing two live humans under the tree is an unorthodox request to fill, but honestly, there are plenty of people waiting in front of The Home Depot for a job. It would be a gift for all involved. (Just so you know, there is a Home Depot a few blocks from my house. It would take zero effort for you to swing by there before you stuff your fat ass through the window, Santa.. Sorry, I don't have a chimney and I'm not leaving the front door unlocked in Broward County. You'll figure it out. )
*I would like you to stop all Facebook users from using slang in their status updates. I'm on there a lot and reading sentences with the words "cuz", "minez", "wuz", and "dat" is about to earn me a permanent spot on the naughty list next year for committing a hate crime.
*If it's not to much trouble I could really use some free time. An hour a day would be great. Locking myself in the bathroom and pretending to take a dump for alone time is hardly my idea of relaxing. Have you ever tried using a toilet as a computer desk? It's terrible. Plus, I think my kid and husband are on to me. The kid incessantly bangs on the door the entire time and my husband has started messing with the wifi when I'm in there. I'm not going to lie; they both really suck. I need the time.
* My final request is a toughy. I would really like to be famous. I know I'm kind of a big deal with the crazies, but I'm looking to branch out. I'm thinking a reality show or a book deal. Or how about the Mouthy Mommy on ice? I can't skate for shit, but I'm a fast learner and people seem to love that ice skating bologna. Look at how well Sesame Street is doing with it. Maybe we can get Oscar the Grouch to play me. Whatever, I'm not going to tell you how to do your job... Just see what you can do.
Well, I know that with only a few weeks before the "big day", you guys have a lot of work to do. So get on it and don't let me down again. There is really very little keeping me from doing a swan dive off the roof these days and it's likely that one more disappointment may push me over the edge. Keep that in the back of your mind when you feel like cutting corners.
The Mouthy Mommy
Scotch and pot will be left out in lieu of cookies and milk. Santa, I know it's your favorite. You reeked of both when we visited you at the mall last week.
Boys, there is no need to fight! You can all get me a gift.....