Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Ask The Mouthy Mommy..

I thought it would be fun to open the new year by trying something different. Every week I write about topics that I have acquired through the Internet, real life or my own personal brand of crazy. Never before have I taken the time to open the lines of communication and answer questions for my readers. Forget asking, what would Jesus do, today we're going to find out what the Mouthy Mommy would do and hopefully you'll get some incite into who I am and what I can do to help you.

The questions I will be answering today were submitted through the Mouthy Mavens Facebook fan page, e-mails, conversation and text messages. Though, there were many questions submitted I only had room for five. Sorry, if your question didn't get an answer this time. I only have so much time...

* Mouthy Mommy,
How do I make a really good impression on a first date? -Jeremy, 26 KS

Hi Jeremy from Kansas! What a great question. I'm guessing that since you decided to ask someone other than your co-worker at the Piggly Wiggly that you A) have a lot of first dates that don't work out or B) and the most probable, you've not had a date with anyone other than a second cousin since little Suzy pulled you behind the jungle gym and asked you to play doctor in the first grade . Either way, I think I can help!

The first thing you want to do is bathe, deodorize and man scape. There is nothing that ruins a first date faster than a harry man that smells like feet and Frito's. I would also advise against wearing any cologne that has "Designer Impostor" in the title. Trust me, you will be fooling no one. Once you are clean, shaved and smelling right, it's time to throw on your Sunday best. No t-shirts or tattered jeans. You want her to think you've got it together, not living out of the back of your 57 Chevy pick-up. Looking good is important, no matter what anyone says. "It's what's on the inside that counts" is a slogan meant only for the blind.

Before you pick up your lady friend, make sure you have enough cash in your wallet to pay for that classy dinner you planed at The Sizzler. I suggest you take out about $20 in ones and wrap a $50 bill around it to give the illusion that you're "living large." Girls like a man that is financially stable. Which leads me to the most important thing you must know and practice during this date. Because it's the first, there is absolutely no reason to be yourself. You can be you after she's impressed and you've slept with her. The best thing for you to do is let her meet, what I like to call "your representative". It's still you, but better because the crazy is hidden. And how do you hide it? Don't let her know you're broke. Don't tell her you live with your "momma" and never under any circumstance tell her you've not been on a date in "a long time". These are all red flags that scream "There's something wrong with this guy. RUN!" At least to any self respecting woman. Think about it would you want to date the real you? If the answer is NO,(which I'm sure it is or why would you need my advice) then why would she. Fake it until you bone her or challenge yourself and keep the facade going until she's in love. Remember good impressions are based on two L'S; Looks and Lies. Go get her and good luck! Let me know how it works out.- MM

* Mouthy Mommy,
How do you find time to write your hysterical blogs with a little one running around? Jennifer, 26 FL

Jennifer, it is not easy! It requires two very important things; insomnia and Dedication. Oh, and sometimes a closet to hide in. Let me explain... It is rare that I have time during the day to sit and write. As I'm sure you are aware, a two-year-old requires attention at all times. It is absolutely astounding how suicidal they can be when they are awake and it's absolutely ridiculous how much time it takes me to write, brainstorm, research, and in my case as a writer, super spell check to get a blog ready to be posted. So, because I was not willing to give up taking care of my kid or pursuing my dreams of becoming a writer, a terrible case of insomnia kicked in to help me out. It sounds crummy, but it's really been like a gift from God.

Now, let me tell you about my process...On Tuesday and Thursday nights (after 10pm)I sort through my thoughts and note books. Then I take what I have and mold it into what you read the following day. I usually have the content finished by 2 or 3am. When I have finished typing it up, I go to bed. I then run through what I wrote for about an hour, changing sentences and adding one liners (all in my head). Usually by 4am I'm sleeping.

At 7 am the next morning I toss my toddler in front of the TV and lock myself in the closest closet, so that I may revise what I have written 8 to 10 more times in silence. It is then that I throw in the changes and one-liners that I mind-wrote right before I passed out from exhaustion at 4am. This process takes about an hour, so I have to make sure the kid is busy with a movie or gated in somewhere safe. After the revisions are done and I am as disgusted and frustrated with my writing a humanly possible, I say fuck it and click the post button. Then I'm free to do my mommy chores! It's not glamorous, I'm always tired and sometimes I wonder what exactly it is I think I'm doing. But then I remember that everyone has got to start some where and it's best that the journey be Oprah friendly. Hope this answered your question. -MM (P.S- Thanks for the compliment. I've never been called hysterical before. I like it!)

* Mouthy Mommy,
How do you write blogs/post and not feel bad about pissing someone off? Brittany 26, FL

Brittany, the answer to your question is this... When you are a person of mouthy nature, you tend to be a loner. Though I don't set out to intentionally offend or upset anyone in my line of work, it is common. Which is why I decided early on that this endeavor was not about making friends. I feel that if I write something that upsets some they have two options one) they can talk to me about it, I am more than happy to agree to disagree or apologize when I am wrong or two) they can slam me and gather their pitch forks, in which case they can SUCK IT! ( I will not be bullied) I realize that not everyone sees the world the way I do and honestly, thank God for that. I don't come here and step on baby kitties... I come here and try to make people laugh and on rare occasion make them think too. There is absolutely no reason for me to feel bad for saying what's on my mind and being myself. As long as my fans get it, even if there is only one, that's all that I care about and that's all that I'm here for.-MM

*Why do you constantly poke fun of your husband? I mean really, what did he do to deserve this public humiliation? Steve -the husband

Oh, Steve... Stop being so dramatic. You are looking at this the wrong way. Da Vinci didn't paint the Mona Lisa to humiliate her. She was his muse, as you are mine. The stupid shit you do around the house inspires me to write and I must say, it is some of my best work. So please, learn to laugh at yourself and while you're at it take out the trash. Because you slacking on chores, is exactly what you did to deserve this. Love ya!-MM

*Why can't I see the question I posted to you on Facebook? You know, you have that fan page set up so stupid. That's probably why you have so few interactions. The comment section on your website sucks too. You need to find away to make it easy for people to reach you or I don't see the point to any of this.- The Mouthy Mommy's Dad, Jeff

Well Dad, I have to say that it amazes me how you managed to post comments on the fan page just fine when there was a photo of 5 gay guys wearing Christmas sweaters and you were able to win a prize. Yet, now when you want to contribute something useful that wont earn you anything you can't figure it out. My favorite part of your question though, is where you blame me, Facebook and MouthyMommy.com for your incompetence. I'll tell you what dad, since you are the only one with issues, because everyone else is doing just fine stop kidding yourself, I am going to set up a P.O Box just for you. This way you can work with the technology you are familiar with ex) pen, paper, stamps, Postmen. I don't need you catching a stroke every time you want to post something on my Facebook wall. You're the only parent I have left! Maybe for your birthday my sisters and I will pitch in and get you a trained pigeon. Then any time you want to tell us something you can just jot it down on a tiny scroll, tie it to his little leg and toss the Goddamn thing out the window. I know you're only 47 dad but, if you keep it up you're going to a home. Shit, even grandma can work Facebook. Smooches!-MM

Thanks to everyone that sent in a question. Sorry, I didn't get to all of them. Depending on the feedback I may make the "ASK THE MOUTHY MOMMY" a regular thing and if I do I will answer the questions that didn't make it today... Happy new year and love to all my readers!


  1. The best blog in a long time...don't get me wrong, they are all really good, but this one takes the cake!! Good job to the MM and keep 'em coming!! I think it's a good idea to hae "ask the MM" every now and then...love how you are so opinionated!!! :)

    ~Brittany from FL

  2. Thanks Brittany! I think I will do an "Ask The Mouthy Mommy" once a month. It was a lot of fun for me too! -MM