The Bad, The Ugly and The Tenth Good Thing About Barney?

It's yet another drama filled week for the Mouthy Mommy and I have to say, I'm one mishap away from making my runaway fantasy a reality.



Last Friday my beloved mutt came down with an auto immune disease. I was absolutely devastated, but knew that if push came to shove I wouldn't allow her to suffer. I would do the right thing and let her go.

Sadly, push came and shove went. I stumbled through my emotions and did -in the end- what was best for me. I had test run and transfusions given. I spent money on ridiculous medications and have been hand feeding home cooked chicken- several times a day- to a dog who can barely lift her head off the ground. The funny thing is, that though I couldn't bare to lose her, it was my son that made me have the change of heart.


Sunday when my little monster returned from his grandmother's he wondered through the house calling for the dog. When she didn't greet him he asked me where she had gone...

ME- Watlie dog is very sick. She had to go sleep at the doctor's house to get better.

HIM- Does her tummy hurt?

ME- Yep....

HIM- Mom, I didn't give her any of my food! If she got some it was an accident.

He spent the next two days crying for her and asking questions like; "Did she drink the pool water?" and "Can she sleep here and go back to the doctor's when I'm at school?". I realized then that if I didn't do everything I could to save her, I would be left explaining the intricacies of life and death to a kid who, just a few weeks ago, stopped shitting his pants. He was smarter than I gave him credit for and I had zero idea how to tackle the meaning of death, heaven and God with a three year old.

I thought about how -less than two years ago- I had explained the passing of my mother. He was younger so it was simple: "Grandma died and went to heaven." He took the news as if I had just told him the sky was blue. It was a statement and nothing more. Later when his first fish died and then shortly after, the second too, I bluntly told him the fish died and went to heaven with grandma. To which his response was, "With Grandma and the cow that jumps over the moon? Ok, we'll buy a new one tomorrow." But now things have changed. He's inquisitive and wants to know why, how and where that heaven place is. Also he has an attachment to the dog, unlike the replaceable fish and his foggy memory of grandma.

As someone whose only religious connection is that I use the terms "goddamn it" and "Jesus Christ" a lot, I had a real tough time figuring out how to explain things without scaring him for life. I decided that because of my lack of knowledge and general distaste for all things holy, I should mosey down to his Jewish day school and ask for some support. It turned out to be a great idea because the director had loads of books to read that would explain these "taboo subjects" (her words, not mine) to him. The only thing she advised was that I read them first and edit out any things I deemed unnecessary or shocking. I did as she asked and have decided to share with you the good the bad and the ugly...


The good...

"God Looks like nothing, and nothing looks like God"
Because Nothing Looks Like God- by Lawrence & Karen Kushner

"Nothing that is alive goes on living forever. How long it lives depends upon what it is and what happens while it is alive"
Lifetimes- by Bryan Mellonie and Robert Ingpen

"It may be sad, but it is the way of all things, and it is true for everything that is alive"
Lifetimes- by Bryan Mellonie and Robert Ingpen

"They (all living things) have beginnings, and endings and there is living in between."
Lifetimes- by Bryan Mellonie and Robert Ingpen

The bad...

"God lives in your tears when you're sad or scared"
Where does God Live?- by August Gold & Matthew Perlman

"Grandpa, is not sleeping or away on a trip. He died and is never coming back."
Where Do People Go When They Die?- by Mindy Avra Portnoy

The ugly....

The Tenth Good Thing About Barney- by Judith Viorst

Basically this entire book left me slack jawed. The story goes that a little boy loses his cat Barney. His family decides to throw a funeral and bury him in the garden, but first the boy must say 10 good things about Barney. Shockingly, he only comes up with 9 things and is left to contemplate life and death with his neighbor, Annie, who has decided to come over and join in the festivities. Later over cookies and juice the two discuss what Barneys future holds. Annie is convinced the cat went to heaven, but the little boy disagrees. He shouts at Annie that Barney "is dead and in the ground" and pulls her hair. At this point his father interjects and tells Annie that there is a large possibility that she is wrong, because no one has proved there is a heaven, but that there is solid evidence that Barney is "dead and in the ground." Annie gets pissy and runs home, mad about having her faith questioned. The father now decides to take the boy out to the garden to plant some seeds on top of Barney's carcass. He tells the kid that the cat will decompose and help grow the flowers. He ends the conversation by saying "That's a pretty nice job for a cat." And truthfully, for a cat, he's right. The book ends with the kid telling his mother the 9 nice things about Barney and he adds the cat's decomposition to the list to make it an even 10.

Looking back now I think I like this story- my version at least.

4 Steps To Keeping Your Dignity In The Great Beyond

"Here's what happens when you die: The blood stops flowing into your brain, and you have a few last flickering thoughts, then you stop thinking all together. The synapses in your brain stop firing, and your personality and thoughts cease to exist. Your body decays. Grubs and boll weevils burrow into your head. Worms crawl in and out of your eye sockets. Maggots feed on your brain. Oh, wait. I'm getting it all wrong. Actually you go to a country club-type place and hang out with Jesus, Mark Twain, and all your long-lost relatives. What was I thinking?" -Walter T. Pratt

Well, now that we know what happens physically when you die it's time to talk about what your no good relatives are going to be doing after they've had a moment to celebrate your passing. If you have children or are a person who prepares for the inevitable, chances are you have purchased life insurance and wrote out a will. Your beneficiary is set and you have specified who gets your "Pretty Kitty" plate collection and those baseball cards (in terrible condition) that you have been hording since you were a small child. But as for all the day to day nonsense, the furniture, clothing and whatnot's, someone or many someones will be entering your place of residence to rifle through it and you can rest assured that they will be carting away anything that isn't nailed down. I guess when you think about it in the grand scheme of things it doesn't seem like a big deal, because after all, you are dead. Right?

I get why some of you may feel that way. In fact, I at one point felt that way too. That was until I had to clean out my mother's house and ran into a few things that no child should ever have to see. It was a real eye opener and it occurred to me then that EVERYONE has stuff tucked away in closets and drawers that they are not particularly proud of. Things that even in death, are majorly embarrassing and will no doubt, tarnish their legacy. But what can you do to keep this from happening? Funny you should ask, because as always, I had a few ideas.

4 Steps To Keeping Your Dignity In The Great Beyond.

Step 1- Get yourself a bag or box of a specific color
This is as easy as it sounds. Look at the things you own that need to be chucked after your departure and buy something to keep them in. I say pick a color so that the buddy you pick in step two, can identify it easily.

NOTE: Shoe boxes tend to blend with the scenery and will need to be spruced up or decoupaged. You need it to scream "Here I am! Burn me!"


Step 2-Use the "Buddy System"
Figure out who the one person is that you trust to dispose of your smut. It can be a cousin or sibling. I personally have chosen my best friend, The Perpetual Bridesmaid. Not only is she a kook like me, but she's also very discrete. Which is exactly what you'll need for this task.

Note: Your "Buddy" should be someone off balance and trust worthy. You need this someone to retrieve the colored bag of filth from your secrete hiding place and do so without being compelled to tell anyone what's inside or meet you at the pearly gates due to shock.

Step 3-Make a game plan

Though when and how you will expire is a mystery, your buddy must always be ready. Make Sure they know the three "W's"; when to pick up the stuff, where it is, and what to say to the greedy family members who will no doubt, want a piece of what's in the bag.

Note: Keep the plan simple and straight forward. Your buddy is throwing out a bag of dildo's not accepting a case for Mission Impossible.

Step 4-Figure out what is bag/box worthy and waste no time putting them away
Anything that cannot be openly displayed on a coffee table when your mother's around belongs is this special place. This includes, but is not limited to:

~Dirty Magazines (Especially those that contain tranny midgets and farm animals)

~Sex toys (No one wants to handle your "personal massager" collection. We all know what they are really used for. It's gross...Put it in the bag!)

~Old journals ( This strictly depends on content. If you wrote a nice memoir by all means leave it accessible. However, if you are anything like the Mouthy Mommy and have chosen to write a graphic novel about your life, for reasons unbeknownst to even you, it's best that you rip out the gory stuff or scrap the entire book. Remember, even if your family thinks you're a whore, they don't need the evidence spelled out in your own handwriting.)

~Drugs or Paraphernalia(Though you started doing drugs to ease the pain your family has caused you, it's none of their business how you choose to self medicate to get through the day. Hide your stash or risk leaving a legacy that says you're a junkie. It may not be true, but those nut jobs you're related to will need something to blame for your demise and I can guarantee it won't be themselves.)

~Photos or video of you naked, in drag, or copulating ( Yikes! If you have this stuff save your buddy the trouble and burn it now. You guys are close, that's why you chose him/her, but there's a limit and pictures of you getting "it on" in drag is it...Trust me on this one.)

** All embarrassing material must go to the bag ASAP. It may be taken out, used or reviewed, but always returned promptly when finished.

Note: There may be things that are not linked to your sexual deviance that belong in this bag. Since I only own the latter, I can't think of any examples, but please feel free to leave some in the comment section if you can.


Once you have your bag in order and your "Buddy" on standby, your bucket is ready to be kicked. I can't promise that it will all work out according to plan. Who knows, maybe your buddy will die with or before you. Or worse, they could get Alzheimer's and forget where you hid your stash. I wouldn't waste time worrying about that much though. You've got bigger problems. Including how hard it's going to be for you to get into heaven. God sees all you know, even what's in the bag.