While most people enjoy my over- the- top sense of humor, the one person who doesn’t seem to get me is my husband. This at times presents a problem considering he is one of my favorite muses. For the record my husband is not a super funny guy. He’s very private, peaceful, and charming, but not at all a crack up. There are moments when he feels the need to be hilarious and when he does I can always count on him to find a way to bust out this gem; “Once you go Jew, you’re stuck like glue.” I cannot begin to express how much I’ve come to hate his go to line. It’s not funny and I absolutely loathe it. It irks me so much that now every time I hear it, I have a visceral response. I equate it to what someone from PETA would feel if they saw a deer hunter step on a small bag of kittens while eating a bacon cheese burger. Yes, it bothers me that much… But that’s who he is, and when I decided to marry him, I made the conscious decision take him as is-missing funny bone and all.
This brings me to the issue at hand. I live my life searching for the funny in everything. To me nothing is off limits and there is no room for sensitivity. When my mother died and people were feeling sorry for me, I jumped on the opportunity to cash in. I would bate innocent victims into rounds of “Yo momma” just so I could stun them with a response of “My mother’s dead!” I don’t fight fair, I’m a terrible liar-so it’s not even worth the effort for me to try, and there is nothing about my life that I can’t look at from another angle to exploit for a laugh. My husband hates these things about me and since our very first fight he has always insisted that “This is why nobody likes” me.
The longer we’re together the more I find out what “This” entails. Last week it was a small inaccuracy in a blog that set him off. When I explained that sometimes I cut and paste the good parts to make him seem funnier, he didn’t have much to say, but when the conversation had reach its end and all was close to well, I through in a “You’re welcome.” It was obvious that my sarcastic attack on his sense of humor pushed him back over the edge and he stormed out of the room like a 7 year old girl, barking out that “This is exactly why nobody likes” me.
To pay homage to my husband and the many others who according to him “dislike me” I thought I would write down some of the things or the “this”- if you will- that got me on this shit list my husband totes around. (Note: These are all reasons my husband has compiled. I really doubt he did an actual pole… Though I could be wrong, he does seem very sure of himself on this matter.)
Feel free to end each sentence with “This is why nobody likes you.” That’s what my husband does.
• I named my sons new fish “murder face.” I did this because every time I see his face, I want to flush my new responsibility down the toilet..
• I don’t see an issue with not flushing the toilet in the middle of the night
• “Fuck” is my favorite word. I use it as if my life depends on it
• I drink from the carton while standing inside the open refrigerator
• I read the twilight saga over and over and while doing so, I ignore everyone around me
• After I married my husband I gave all of his furniture away to Goodwill and replaced it with my stuff or bought new. I did most of this without asking permission.
• I incessantly Facebook and Twitter from my phone. I status up dated during Passover dinner, at a funeral and once during an argument with my husband about Facebook and Twittering.
• I wear my maternity underwear from three years ago around the house. I do this while the blinds are open and most of the time I'm topless. (sorry neighbors!)
• I once made a comment to my in-laws friends about the “$3 shit wine” my father-in-law served them. It turns out the friends brought the wine. They told me so.
• I don’t hide disappointment well. When I get a bad gift I make “a face” that gives me away instantly. My husband has seen this face more than most people.
• When Perpetual Bridesmaid comes to visit for the weekend I make my husband sleep on the couch so that she and I can share the king sized bed.
• I blog about all my family members. I use family gatherings as a way to stock up on material. No one is safe. Instead of a hug good bye, people ask me not to write about them. My husband thinks I should honor their request. I disagree.
• When I think something is super ugly, I compliment the people that own it because I just have to say something. This goes for jewelry, home furnishings, haircuts and babies. I then spend twenty minutes describing my disgust to my husband once we are out of hearing range.
• I'm a bitch...And I'm ok with that.
• When I’m told that this is why nobody likes me, I smile.. Why? Because I know that this is exactly why everybody reads me…:)
So there you have it, folks. This is why nobody likes me. Can you think of some reasons nobody likes you? If you need help I'm sure my husband could give you a hand..Feel free to submit what makes you dislikable or something my husband missed on his list for me... The comment section is waiting.....