Every week I'm here, pouring my blood, sweat, and tears on to this page. My need to write has become like breathing- a necessity. Everywhere I look I see a story and my compulsion to write it down and share it with you has become an addiction that I'm unable to control. My mind is constantly running- narrating my world as though a novel may one day spring from my head, double spaced and bound. But there is always that little voice inside me screaming that I don't have what it takes and that this is all for nothing. I struggle with it every time I sit down to write.
There are not too many things in life that I can say I'm good at. I have failed miserably as a housewife, I've been fired from more jobs than I can keep track of and when it comes to being a mother, daughter, wife, sister and friend I sometimes fall short. Yet it seems that here- in the world of black and white text- I excel. Maybe it's because it gives me a shield to hide behind. It's a way to physically become invisible while still allowing my thoughts to run free. I love how the Mouthy Mommy alter ego lets me play by my own rules and empty my life-it's disappointments, struggles and joys- here where it can be dusted off and put to use in some small way, even if that way is just a small chuckle from someone at their desk when the work day has dragged on too long. Everyone should be so lucky to have this chance.
Recently the validity of what I'm doing here has been called into question by someone very close to me. If I was just a silly blog writer dumping my daily grind, I wouldn't think twice about someone doubting whether or not this was a career defining hobby. The problem is- that for me- this has become my world and I don't need a fat pay check or a book deal to know that it's worth doing. Some people around me seem to think that this is the way that success is measured and have questioned the time it is taking to attain it. I think that things that come easily are short lived and go unappreciated. Stick figures do not hang in museums of art, yet Da Vinci spent more than four years painting Mona Lisa's smile alone and it is priceless. I'm not comparing myself to this legendary painter, I'm just saying that good things-things that are worth remembering- take time to build and sometimes they may only pay off long after we are gone. For those who cannot understand how I stay driven without instant reward, I have to say that I'm sorry that you have never had the opportunity to love something unconditionally.
I realize that sometimes we fight battles we know we can't win and have dreams that are unattainable and out of our league. Sometimes we lose at things we should have won- easy stuff, like walking without tripping over our own feet. Though we may be defeated at anything, we must always try- knowing that there may be an off chance, that one day our luck may change. I can't say that what I write is Pulitzer Prize worthy or that I'll ever make any money doing it. I am aware that most of this stuff is just a meaningless view of my own meandering experiences. But what if..?
I'm not expecting to be a super star. I just want the opportunity to make something of myself. Something I'm proud of. I think everyone can relate to that on some level. Who wouldn't want the chance to shine at something they are good at? And who's to say there isn't a chance that we may be lucky enough to win the battle with ourselves and those that doubt us? Real failure would be to never try at all. So, support or discouragement-fame or failure- with or without you- I will continue. And now you know...
Thanks for letting me vent! I'll bring the funny next week...I promise :)
Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self.ReplyDelete
Opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one and usually, they smell worse than yours.