Monday, June 6, 2011

House Wars

I know it's been a while and at this point you've all probably forgotten that the Mouthy Mommy ever existed. I want all of you to know, that it's not because I have nothing left to say- because believe me I have lots- it's just that I've literally have had no time to myself to sit and write. This working mom thing is turning out to be a giant pain in the ass and my "me" time is long over due. So, that said, I've managed to carve out some time (I'm sitting in my empty laundry room with the door locked) and give you all a taste of the Mouthy Working Mommy's chaos.

If you don't know I am currently working for a Medicare service provider while juggling motherhood, domestics and most recently, home ownership. I've managed to make peace with the fact the the world of Medicare has an uncertain future and that my kid is growing up to be a know it all asshole but, the home owner thing has thrown me for a loop.

It seems that everything you want to do in your new home requires some sort of 12 step program and an ass load of cash. And if that's not enough to drive this type A budgeter over the edge my husband has decided to put in some "sweat equity". Now a normal woman married to normal handy man may not be alarmed by an offer to paint a bedroom or slap on some crown molding but, unless my husband started taking some night classes I don't know about and attained his general contractor license there is NO FUCKING WAY I would ever be comfortable with him wielding a paint brush or something as sharp a a mitre saw. He also has zero concept of what things cost. Here's a perfect example:

Him: We need new carpet in the master bedroom. It should only be about $200. I'll go to Home Depot and get a quote.

Me: Are you sure? That sounds really cheap. Maybe we should just use the extra carpet and have them patch the bad spot.

Him: I'll see what they say, but it going to be cheaper to replace it. I'll call you in a few after I talk to Home Depot.

A few hours later...

Him: OK. I found a carpet place called "Rape your wallet extravagant carpets and more" and they said we need grade A+++ carpet and it will cost $900.

ME: Wait, what happened to home depot and $200? And why exactly would you shop at a place with a name that screams rip off? Please just get a quote from a normal place to patch the goddamn carpet!

Him: STOP CONDESCENDING TO ME! I know what I'm doing. The guy is coming tomorrow to give me a better estimate. I'm pretty sure he had his math wrong.

Me: So we are going to hire someone to do work in our home that lacks third grade math skills?

Him: CLICK.........

I wish I could say that this was the only time in the last few weeks he's yeld at me for being condescending bitch, but sadly this has become a daily ritual and truthfully it's all my dads fault. I grew up in a home where I had a father bright enough to know his limitations when it came to handy work. For example, dad could change a light bulb, pressure wash the driveway and install a night light but, anything beyond that was handed to a well researched and priced professional. I grew up believing that this was how it worked. When I saw men fixing things in their own homes I would think to myself, Your wife's going to be sooo angry when she comes home to a giant fucked up mess? Why? Because that's what I was raised to believe. How does that poem go? Children learn what they live. If a child lives with a dad who hates manual labor, she will learn to hire a handy man. Now ask yourself, "With what is my child living?"

Apparently my hubby comes from a long line of do it yourselfer's. I've never seen them do anything themselves, but he assures me they do and that he too has inherited part of that genetic code...As usual I have to call "BULLSHIT" and also a licensed contractor.

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